Support Ted’s Work

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Ted Rall
TGIF – You-Know-Who edition
Posted by TheDon
As usual, this week was full of grim news, maddending news, and news which is sadly unsurprising. There were, however, some stories which were happy, or at least gave us hope for the future. Harry Reid pulled the Defense Appropriations Bill. Michael Vick was indicted. We’ve apparently killed 29/30s of Al-Qaeda leadership. The last installation of Potter-mania comes out. SPOILER ALERT: the wizard did it.

So in honor of some of the top stories, I made a yellow drink. Use it to toast the news story of your choice. And don’t give away your stickiness.

The Golden Snitch
or
Piss on Vick
or
The Cheney Stripe

Fill a double old-fashioned glass halfway with ice
Add 3 oz vodka
Pour in 2 oz Galliano (Don’t stir, just watch; it’s a lovely effect.)

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Ted Rall

Why I Don’t Care

Saturday’s cartoon “Profile of a Suicide Bomber” prompted pro-genocide, fascist racist blogger Michelle Malkin to launch into one of her whiny pro-censorship tirades. It’s a fairly straightforward cartoon; I was reading a list of character traits ascribed to Muslim suicide bombers and was taken by the obvious similarities to traits required to serving in the military: blind obedience to authority, religiosity, etc. Both the suicide bombers and the soldiers are victims of a vicious con: die for someone else’s benefit, without questioning whether the sacrifice is worth it (which, in the case of the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, it isn’t). Here’s what Malkin had to say:

Rall is beyond contempt. He has accused our troops of being murderers for Halliburton*, mocked soldiers as sexual deviants**, and derided the late Pat Tillman as an “idiot” and “sap”***. Now, all in one cartoon, he shows his naked contempt for the very traits of the American soldier that helped give birth to this country and secured it for 231 years: willingness to sacrifice, faith, courage, respect for the commander-in-chief****, and determination to complete their mission.

*Her point is…?
**Only the soldiers who shove flashlights up Muslim asses in de Sade-ian dungeons at Abu Ghraib and Bagram and Gitmo and and pee on them and rape them.
***It’s since become evident that Tillman was no idiot. Sap, however, applies to anyone who jointed the armed forces after 9/11, when Bush made clear that he had no intention of defending the U.S. or going after the murderers of 9/11.
****Why on earth would anyone respect Bush? His own father doesn’t. But anyway…

Nothing unusual there. Her fawning fanboy blogger allies, apparently under the delusion that they have a shot at scoring with this “hottie” (ewwww!) if they parrot her every outburst, formed a glorious online pile-on. Again, nothing new.

What caught my eye during the past few days, mixed into the usual urine stream of inarticulate outrage at anyone who questions the fucked-up racket of jingoism and militarism, threats of violence and death against yours truly (aren’t these the same folks who criticized Muslims for their violent reactions to the Danish Mohammed cartoons?), was the wonderment at the fact that I don’t seem to be bothered by their anger at me. Why doesn’t Rall care?

A few choice samples of comments from a typical Republican blog. I’m only including a few because there isn’t enough room on my server to handle it all:

Anyone who whips his ass will be a hero. I’d be glad to post the video
I’m thinking Ted Rall is a jihadi delight! One of the 72 smooth virgins.
60 years ago Ted Rall would be charged with treason and be sitting in a tent in the 120 degree heat of Arizona right now. One more reason they were the “Greatest Generation”. Our generation is weak and we deserve what we are getting.
You mean to tell me this bitch has been drawing since he was 17, and he still sucks that badly? Wow
Remember the guy from Seattle who crapped on the American flag? Maybe someday I can do that on Ted Rall’s grave.
I’m not defending Ted Rall by any stretch of the imagination, but something has gone very wrong with this guy’s head. I would like to ask him that question as I’m kicking his ass.

Actually, I’m relieved that these uneducated morons hate me. Who’d want these violent closeted homosexual lunatics to like them? I’d have to double security at my book signings.

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Ted Rall

ITMFA – Stop the War edition
posted by TheDon

I’ve been working late nights finishing my pirated Harry Potter book completing some research for work, so it was nice to have the company when the lesser known Harry pulled an all-nighter. The Democrats want to illustrate the fact that Republicans won’t let any real bills come to the Senate floor, and the media generally won’t call the Republicans on it. The Democrats have a point, of course, but only to a point.
Republicans can keep you from voting for a good bill, but they can’t make you vote for a bad bill. Any money you spend on this war is YOUR fault. You won’t be able to pass a bill stopping the war explicitly, but you don’t have to send The Decider any more money, either.
This, of course, won’t stop the war. A couple of signing statements here, some money shuffling there, and this administration will “decide” to keep fighting. They’ll shut down some children’s insurance programs, some medical benefits, whatever, but they will keep fighting.
Then you will have the rock-solid impeachment case you seem to be looking for. If you won’t impeach him for any of the hundred reasons you already have, you would have to impeach him for spending money on an unfunded and deeply unpopular war. You’ll be praised in history books for all time for stopping this blood-thirsty, power hungry gang of criminals.
Or you could keep playing co-consipirator. ITMFA.

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Ted Rall

Sunday Funnies
posted by TheDon

I have to admit I’m looking forward to today’s viewings. So many stories and developments this week, it has to be good, doesn’t it? Well, doesn’t it?

Meat The Press

We start with what has become almost extinct – a head-to-head! Jim Webb vs Huckleberry Graham. This shouldn’t even be close.
W says Congress shouldn’t be running the war.
Webb says it’s not a war, it’s an occupation, and a failed one at that. Says that everything he and his buddies warned about has come true. He came ready for a fight.
Q: are you trying to wrest control of the war from the president?
Webb talks about checks and balances, and about protecting the military from an idiot in command.
Graham is asked about Lugar and Warner wanting a re-authorization. He’s not buying it – that’s the old strategy and ineffective – the new strategy has been “enormously effective”. This is a global struggle, bin Laden called it the Third World War, so we have to play by his (bin Laden’s) rules. Al Qaeda is coming to Iraq to destroy this young democracy. This is a gigantic global struggle between moderation and extremists. I’m guessing we’re the “moderates”, and that’s fair, if you ignore the fact that we overthrew the Afghani and Iraqi governments, and occupy both countries. Kidnap and torture people. Kill civilians at will. Stuff like that.
Putting operational control in the Senate is a “mistake for the ages”.
The Webb ammendment is brought up – an attempt to force the military to give soldiers home time, including the National Guard. Webb differentiates between his position and Murtha’s. Web flashes some impressive credentials and defends it vigorously. Mentions that Huckleberry wants to stay in 5 to 10 more years, and that you need to control deployments to accomplish that.
Webb brings up the recently disclosed info that half of the foreign fighters in Iraq are from Saudi Arabia. Which is NOT Iran, but could be argued as al Qaeda.
Huck again comes out against congress having input into operations and minimizes the effects of too many deployments. Maximizes the effects of the “surge”. Anbar is shown as a sterling success again. It’s like they don’t think we use the google, and we won’t bring this up after the next fall of Anbar province.
Timmeh points out that Huck doesn’t trust the Iraqi government, so why ask American men and women to go over there and fight for them? Huck says it’s in our national interest to make sure that AQ doesn’t have a safe haven. Timmeh cuts him off and smacks him DOWN!
Where’s Timmeh, and who is this imposter?
Timmeh says “but you keep mentioning AQ. Let me go back to the director of the CIA, Michael Hayden, again from the Post. (he) catalogued what he saw as the main sources of vilence in this order: the insurgency, sectarian strife, criminality, general anarchy, and, lastly AQ. Though Haden had listed AQ as the fifth most pressing threat in Iraq, Bush regularly lists AQ first. (Bob Woodward)”
Forget Timmeh! Who’s this Bob Woodward fellow? Have we really reached a tipping point?
Back to Huck:
He says that Petreaus also says the #1 enemy of America is AQ in Iraq. Says we have to defeat them first because they want to kill the young Iraqi democracy. He’s claiming that the surge has routed AQ from Anbar. You know, the surge that started two weeks ago. That one. The surge is AQ’s worst nightmare because the Anbari’s have rejected AQ and embraced us. Yeah. Let’s see how long that lasts.
Timmeh points out that Maliki has said we can leave any time we want to. Huck says we can turn over Anbar soon, but our national interests keep us from believing Maliki. Claims Maliki is expressing confidence in his army, not asking us to leave. I think he wants us to leave so he can get serious about killing Sunni.
Timmeh asks Webb if he believes that AQ is the primary enemy and threat in Iraq, and would we leave behind a bloodbath.
Webb says it will be bad whenever we leave, and we need to plan realistically, and leave from a position of strength – AFTER some diplomatic work which hasn’t been done. Webb then makes the important points – AQ didn’t come to Iraq to destroy a democracy, it’s there because the US is. The people in Anbar didn’t align with the US, just with the enemy of their enemy. Says it’s not the Iraqi National Army taking out AQ, just locals applying, and I quote “a redneck justice”. Says we need more diplomacy and more rest for our troops. Then he jumps Lieberman for wanting a war with Iran. I’m ready to vote for President Webb.
Huck want’s to wait for September, doesn’t want to do anything now. Says Iran is killing our soldiers and Webb jumps in with “So are Saudis, Senator Graham, so are Saudis”.
Webb ’08 has a nice ring.
Graham says the surge has been AQ’s worst nightmare, and has them on the run. He then claims, with passion, “The surge has been in place TWO WEEKS!”. Almost funny, if people weren’t dying. Webb points out that we didn’t do all that in two weeks, but Huck’s on a roll.
Timmeh presses him to answer how long the surge should last. Whatever Timmeh had for breakfast should be given to him every Sunday morning. Huck’s fine with doing whatever Petraeus says to do, and ends his rant with a spittle-flecked pronouncement, “I’m gonna listen to this general, and I’m not gonna let any politician take the place of the general.” I assume he either meant “this” general, as opposed to previous generals who were forced to retire by W and Rummy, or he doesn’t think W is a politician. Either way damns him.
Webb is calm, if slightly sarcastic, but settles into a good argument. Deployments are now longer than rest periods for the soldiers, and somebody needs to speak for the soldiers instead of defending this president. Huck interrupts (again) with some noise about re-enlistments and Webb jumps him. Tells him not to put his political views into the mouths of the soldiers. Tells Huck that he hasn’t been to Iraq, only to the dog and pony show they put on for Senators. A scuffle breaks out. It’s a smug-off with Webb using facts, Huck using feelings. And we’re in commercial. That was meaty!

Panel time:
Republican primary– USA Today poll has Giuliani, Thompson, McCain, followed by Romney in single digits! Looks like it’s time for another “loan” to his campaign. McCain’s campaign is over. Yawn. Mike Murphy – R strategist thinks it’s not over. Says low-budget campaign of courage suits McCain. Guess he hasn’t been following the news closely if he thinks McCain can claim courage.

Douchebag of Liberty thinks it’s a longshot, Al Hunt calls it sad and over soon. Bob Schrum takes some pleasure in calling McCain a surrogate for Bush with no chance. Murphy insists Mc is showing courage and he can win. O…..kaaaay. I’m over this topic.
Giuliani (pro-abortion rights, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control) is a target of a DVD from IAFF firefighters. Really strong stuff which should kill the “fearless leader of 9/11” BS. It’s a little shocking that NBC shows a clip. Giuliani fires back. Swift-boating is mentioned, but in a deceptive way. Giuliani didn’t call this a “Swift Boat attack”, he said this is deceptive, and NOT a SBA. There’s a difference, Timmeh. They think the Swifties were telling a truth which needed to be told. Through the looking glass and all…
Shrum says Rudy has a reverse-Midas touch with picking people, including Vitter. Heh.
DB of L points out that swift-boating is a very good thing to R’s. He then digs a little deeper saying a lot of R’s like McCarthy. Truly, truly a douchebag. Al Hunt still finds it hard to believe that R’s will nominate the pro-everything Rudy. He hasn’t seen the rest of the field, I guess. The Mormon? The lobbyist womanizer? The bat-shit-crazy Bush hugger? Just do you see them nominating?
Murphy points out that Rudy is a one-note candidate, and needs to get in the early primaries.

Dems – Clinton (42%!), Obama, Edwards. Bill’s on the campaign trail, and Hil’s looking unbeatable to a lot of people. Bill says people say they are yesterday’s news, but points out “Yesterday’s news was pretty good!”. Indeed. She’s not my first choice, but any one of these candidates would be a huge improvement over numb-nuts. Obama calls her part of the past and says it’s time to turn the page. Ouch. Either way works for me, really. But they beat this to death for a while.

DBL says it’s very dangerous to call this the third term of Clinton. Timmeh calls shenanigans, asks him who calls it that, and DBL admits that it’s HIM. D’OH! d-o-u-c-h-e spells Novak. DBL then goes for racism and sexism in the same phrase, speaking of the pessimism of the Republican party concerning their chances in the presidential race, saying “only the Democratic party, with everything in their favor, would say that, ok, this is the year either to have a woman or an African-American to break precedent, to do things the country’s never done before, and it gives Republicans hope.” Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn! That’s pretty naked stuff there.

They spend the rest of the show flogging DBL’s new book – eeeewwww. Despite that, it was one of their best shows in recent memory.

Fawkes News. Brit Hume hosting. I probably won’t actually watch much of this…

Opening line – “An Iraq report card with SOME passing grades, and a strong presidential resolve to keep up the fight.” Stephen Hadley to discuss. Ok, I definitely won’t watch much of this. Then they’ll ask Fred Kagan (who inspired the “surge”) how the “surge” is working. I just can’t take this kind of propaganda seriously. I’m skipping to the panel.

Panel

Wow. I just can’t make it through this BS storm. Strawmen are being absolutely destroyed. Juan Williams is brilliant cutting through it.

On to…

This Weak

Ugh. Warner, Lugar, Hadley, McCain. I’m warming up the fast-forward finger.

First up, Hadley. Whooooosh on the ff…
Now Warner and Lugar. Whooooosh…

Round Table

Rehash of the benchmarks – is September important or not, can anything make the preznit change course (nope – only 67 votes in the Senate can change course, along with 2/3 of the House. Doesn’t look good.)

Sam Donaldson points out that every soldier who dies in Iraq is dying for the inevitable establishment of a Shia theocracy. George Will calls out people who think we are winning in Iraq, says that they will blame liberals for snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory if we leave. It still surprises me that Will doesn’t support this war, but I chalk it up to isolationism. He’s one of the finest minds of the 16th century.

Blah blah about McCain. Most amazing comment – McCain burned through all his money without running a single ad. Jeebuz. That couldn’t have been easy.

In Memoriam
Lady Bird Johnson – the last classy first lady from Texas.
Charles Lane – actor was 102
Doug Marlette – amazing cartoonist
23 service members – 17 in their 20’s, one still a teenager, 5 in their 40’s

Dave Matthews is pushing to get vets their rightful medical treatment. Guess he’s some kinda liberal.

Funnies
What’s up with showing unfunny clips from The ½ witted News Hour?

curtain

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Ted Rall
4400 Government Identified
posted by TheDon
We finally know which administration is in power for the television show The 4400. April developed the ability to compel a truthful answer from anyone by just asking a question. The government immediately used it to force a confession from a man who had demanded a lawyer. They then, instead of imprisoning a woman who had illegally obtained a power, and then illegally used that power, fought over which government agency would get to use her abilities. Nobody even briefly considered 5th ammedment rights. Now we know that The 4400 is set in the present.

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Ted Rall
Benchmarks Report Card
posted by TheDon
My dearest friend and esteemed colleague, Sheik bin Laden,
It is with great pleasure that I report on our progress in the struggle against the crusaders, infidels and apostates. We are doing exceedingly well on all of our benchmarks, and are well ahead of any reasonably expected progress. Your ability to goad the simpleton leader of cursed Amrika has caused him to eliminate the infidel leader of Iraq, while providing us with limitless training opportunities, fundraising and recruits. Soon he will open Persia to us, and we will eliminate the Shia apostates forever. Our list of benchmarks was long:
  • US out of Saudi Arabia
  • Bleed US economy
  • Kill US citizens and soldiers
  • Rebuild organization
  • Depose Saddam
  • Depose Iranian government

Our success continues unabated, helped along by our great ally. We will miss him greatly, and must start planning for an administration which truly means us harm. Fortunately, we are now stronger than we have ever been. I look forward to the fight ahead.

Your friend and fellow soldier,
Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri

P.S. Thanks for the “Bless This Cave” tapestry. It is a great reminder of the days when we thought we had to hide from the crusaders, in fear of them finding us. It will hang in an honored place on my office wall, where I work secure in the knowledge that our Pakistani hosts will keep us safe, and our great ally does not truly wish us eliminated.

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Ted Rall

TGIF – ITMFA edition

posted by TheDon

I’ve had a very light week blogging, but not because of a lack of material, just a lack of time. Bush has given us another half-dozen reasons to impeach him, including news that he ignored CIA assessments of Iraq’s government and then “surged” anyway, lying all the way. We had two more obstructions of former staffers testifying to Congress. W twisting the “report card” on Iraqi “benchmarks”. The push is on to start a war with Iran. Too many stories to even cover. The outrage parade goes on. It’s been Friday the Thirteenth on a grand scale in the country for six years. Toast impeachment with one of these:

Impeachment Fizz

Fill a highball glass with ice, and pour in 3 oz peach vodka

pour in peach flavored water

add one shot of Campari without stirring – a bitter reminder of the blood this bastard has spilled

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Ted Rall

REPOST: Wanted: Flash Animator/Business Partner

I’m looking for a talented, ambitious and imaginative person with experience animating cartoons in Flash to develop and produce a once-per-week animated political cartoon. I provide scripts and artwork; you make them move and talk. Income split is 50-50; details will be discussed if a qualified individual steps forward. You must be patient since it will take some time to market and place animations, but I have a vision for the medium that differs significantly from other editorial cartoons doing animated work that I believe will sell and provide us both with a steady and significant income.

Please send your resume, qualifications and any questions to: chet@rall.com. I will respond only to those who I believe may fit the bill; my apologies in advance to the rest.

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Ted Rall

Things I didn’t have to make up
posted by TheDon

Some days I have to do some creative writing, some days the commentary writes itself. This is some of the true stupidity o’ the day.
In defense of Gonzo, when he said this, “There has not been one verified case of civil liberties abuse”, he was telling the truth. It’s closer to 100,000 verified cases.
Former Attorney General Richard Carmona (2002-2006) gets a Profiles In Courage Award for speaking out against the anti-science, all-politics decision making process of the Cheney Administration. Well, he would have if he had resigned in protest and told this story FIVE YEARS AGO!

WASHINGTON — President Bush’s first surgeon general charged today that administration officials prevented him from providing the public with accurate scientific and medical information on such issues as stem cell research and teen pregnancy.
“The reality is that the ‘nation’s doctor’ has been marginalized and relegated to a position with no independent budget and with supervisors who are political appointees with partisan agendas,” Dr. Richard H. Carmona told the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. “Anything that doesn’t fit into the political appointees’ ideological, theological or political agenda is ignored, marginalized or simply buried.
“The problem with this approach is that in public health, as in a democracy, there is nothing worse than ignoring science or marginalizing the voice of science for reasons driven by changing political winds,” said Carmona, who served from 2002 to 2006. “The job of surgeon general is to be the doctor of the nation — not the doctor of a
political party.”

The head of China’s Food and Drug Safety Administration was executed because citizens died when he took bribes to allow defective drugs on the market. If I were to ever approve of the death penalty, this might not be a bad place to start. Of course, this mockery of a sham used to cover up the deep corruption of the Chinese government, and the dangerous manufacturing processes they sanction also reinforces my opposition.
I heard ex-con constitution hater Oliver North on Hannity’s radio show, and they agreed that if we don’t continue the surge, the Caliphate will be established and we will have to give up some of our cherished liberties. Well, when you put it like that, keep fighting! I’d hate to lose habeas corpus, freedom from warrantless searches and wiretaps, or privacy in my emails.
Huckleberry Graham said on the floor of the Senate today, “It’s basically a statement by the congress that we’re going to undo the surge. The surge comes to an end, we begin to leave, and we leave a force behind that will do a couple of things: train the Iraqi army and police force. Well we tried that for four years. Training during a war is a little different than when you’re not at war.”
I can’t decide if he means that the “surge” will bring an end to the war, or that trying to train the Iraqi army and police force was foolish, or what. I speak Southern, but not from that region.
How embarassing must it be to have a commentator say, “I’m here in Texas, which is obviously part of George Bush’s base.”

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Ted Rall

The Case For McDonald’s
posted by Susan Stark

Leftists hold many differing opinions on many subjects, although they tend to hold certain things in common, such as concern for the environment and social justice.

But one attitude that I find rather irritating is the almost universal disdain among Leftists, from anarchists to Democrats, of fast-food restaurants. McDonald’s in particular.

Leftists generally don’t believe in the Devil, but if they did, it would be McDonald’s.

And there are some good reasons for hating McDonald’s.

The food served is very poor in nutrition, and very high in fat and calories. It is designed to taste good, but not nourish the body with what it needs. Furthermore, the restaurant encourages waste by supplying disposable wrappings, cups, lids, straws, paper bags, and napkins. All of which are thrown away after one use.

Another grievance against McDonald’s, as with all fast-food chains, is that there isn’t any actual cooking involved. The food is assembled, much like on a factory assembly line, with one low-paid worker after another adding one ingredient until the product is finished.

All of these are good reasons for disliking McDonald’s and other fast-food chains. But I can’t help but detect a bit of elitism, either conscious or unconscious, in criticisms of fast-food.

It doesn’t seem to occur to these shiitake-mushroom eaters that many people eat at McDonald’s and the like because they can’t afford to eat out any place else. Sure, low-income people can prepare food at home, and for the most part they do, but why should they stay at home when the middle- and upper-income folks have their pick of dining establishments?

Another convenience (besides the low prices) of fast-food joints is the availability of the bathroom. Technically, you have to be a customer to use a bathroom in any restaurant, but with fast-food, this is usually not strictly enforced. In large, compact cities like New York and San Francisco where a dearth of bathrooms is near epidemic, this can literally save someone’s life. Especially for homeless people, run-aways, indigents, and delivery people, the fast-food restaurant bathroom can provide not only a toilet, but free running water as well.

During winter time, McDonald’s and other fast-food establishments can provide a warm place to sit without buying anything. And if the management insists that you pay for something, a hot cup of coffee or tea is a lot cheaper in these places than at Starbucks or the local bohemian joints. This has saved the life of a run-away, a punk, a krusty kid, an indigent, or a homeless person many a time. Especially here in New York, where some McDonald’s places are open 24 hours a day.

Sure, vegetarian restaurants are certainly healthier and less wasteful, but where does a vegetarian restaurant exist where you can walk off the street and use the bathroom, and is open 24 hours a day, and costs less than five dollars a meal?


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