Ron DeSantis, Torturer and Future President
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Hello. I’m Ron DeSantis and I approve of the following message. As you may have heard, I’m running for President of the United States. You could only have heard it because I announced it on an audio-only platform called Twitter Spaces, which my friend Elon Musk assured my staff is futuristic and will therefore appeal to hipster kids. We also like it because no one got to see my face and my face scares people. I own it: I have the face of a torturer. That’s because I am a torturer. If you see my face, there’s a chance you are being tortured. So audio is better. Some guys say they didn’t choose the torture lifestyle, torture chose them, but that’s not true about me. I was obsessed with the movie “A Few Good Men,” which takes place at Guantánamo. When Jack Nicholson barked at Tom Cruise, “you can’t handle the truth!” I was hooked. Like Tom Cruise, I became…
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