Gotta Love to Hate

The first cartoon I ever tried to copy was “Peanuts.” I traced over Charlie Brown’s simple round head thousands of times, yet–it never turned out like the original.

Then I tried a different approach. Rather than use a drawn Schulz strip as a model, I reread a few of the collections and then tried drawing Charlie Brown by memory.

The results sure weren’t classic Schulz–but I’d drawn a passable Charlie Brown.

Since I’ve begun drawing cartoons for a living, I’ve done homages and parodies of a number of other comic strips: Lynda Barry’s “Ernie Pook’s Comeek,” “Fred Bassett,” “Hi and Lois,” “The Family Circus,” Tony Millionaire’s “Maakies.” Interestingly, the ones with simple lines, like Fred Bassett, were a lot harder to draw than those with a lot of crosshatching, like Millionaire’s. You’d think it would be the other way around, but it’s not.

Which brings me to http://tedrall.isfullofcrap.com. Who can argue that I’ve arrived? Once you have your own hate site devoted to the prospect that you suck, you ARE somebody.

Unfortunately, that site, which contains countless attempts to mimic my work, makes my point about the difficulty of doing parodies of cartoons drawn using simple or primitivist styles. The guy who does this site is so incapable of rendering my work that he’s been reduced to simply cutting and pasting his own (incompetently insulting) dialogue into the word balloons of my published work. That’s not parody, obviously–it’s copyright infringement.

Other better-known cartoonists, such as Art Spiegelman and Sam Henderson, have attempted to copy my style but to no avail.

Which means that, in a way, I haven’t FULLY arrived.

The problem with those failed attempts isn’t that these guys don’t know how to draw, though that may in fact be the case. Their trouble comes from hatred.

To wit: My opinion of Tony Millionaire is a negative one. Yet, I was determined to do a great parody strip–one, because he paid me to do it, and two, because it would put to rest the assumption that I can’t draw.

How’d I do?

It was so good that Millionaire dares not print it, because it would make him look bad. Hilariously he even tried to sell the original, but no one was interested. Well, duh, Tony–who wants to buy original cartoons that never appeared in print?

So, all in all I consider it a moral and fiscal victory.

If I’d been wallowing in contempt for Tony while I was drawing that “Maakies,” I would have failed miserably. Instead, I set aside that emotion and decided to enjoy the world created by his strip with a sense of total detachment. I bought a couple of his books, read them over and over. “Maakies” really is a great strip, and it’s even more fun in book form. It was in that state of mind, loving the strip I was drawing, that I did the never-to-be-published “Maakies.” Gordon Gano said something similar about the Violent Femmes’ cover of “Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me.” He started out hating Culture Club, but the more he got into rehearsing the song, the more he respected it–and the better the parody turned out.

That’s my advice to anyone looking to make fun of me, or any other cartoonist. If you really, really hate a strip and/or its artist–you’ll never pull it off. You gotta love in order to hate.

After appearing on Fox News’ “Heartland with John Kasich” to discuss that Seattle group’s “Victory to the Iraqi Resistance” sign,” I received the following colorful missives. I post these for the benefit of those who want to know how the average Bush voter thinks (and spells). Too bad we can’t get inside these mucked-up brains and install a logic chip.

From jlbrown_jr@hotmail.com:

Re: Ted Ralls needs to go live in france, you damn trader

Ted

you have cross the line, from being a low down jerk, to a trader, why dont

you go live in a country that does not have the bill of rights, our

president Bush did sell the war on terror, You like so many others have

forgotten 9/11. if you dont like the way we live, dont like our president,

go live there. You pop your mouth off, to hell with you. Have you ever

thought what might have happened if Gore or Kerry where in the white house.

thats scarey

J.L. Brown Jr, TSgt, USAF Retired

Not as scary as your IQ, dude. France has a Bill of Rights–ours is modeled on theirs, in fact. And if Gore, Kerry or the Easter Rabbit were president on 9/11, I can’t imagine that they could have screwed things up any worse.

From Storm1915@aol.com:

I hope you die a miserable death you piece of shit, I will piss on your grave

From rondale@comcast.net:

I hope when the terrorist hit here again your family is killed.

Fuck you.

From mdyer1@nycap.rr.com:

Just saw your ugly puss on Fox-News.

I’d like to give you a one-way ticket to Iraq.

WE are fighting for our lives. Your life isn’t worth saving.

T^ake a hike you fool.

MIKE DYER

An American from Clifton Park, New York.

That’s New York as in target for 9-11 terrorists

Yeah, like the suburban hamlet of Clifton Park is target #1 for jihadis.

From ghinton309@comcast.net:

You are one sick puke!

From Twm0752@aol.com:

momas got a queer boy

From msgsteward@earthlink.net:

Mr. Rall,

After reading your guidelines I will be surprised that you have the testosterone to respond.

Please feel free to call our even come and visit me I will send you my home address. I will share with you the exploits of my Grandfathers in WWI or may Dad’s adventures in WWII and Korea, my twenty plus years of service, or may talk about my son driving the 6th tank in top Baghdad. Maybe you can enlighten a family of Idiots and saps. You are so brave by drawing cartoons. Why don’t you go to Iraq and put your ass on the line I will even go to protect you. Gimmie a call

If not I will use my First amendment rights to say,

“FUCK YOU” you traitorous prick.

David E. Steward Jr.

MSG. USA Ret.

(909) XXX-XXXX Office

(909) XXX-XXXX Cell

(802) XXX-XXXX Fax

From shahn@globalar.com:

Teddy, your double talk regarding supporting the Insurgents and Terrorist but not wanting to kill America GIs is not going to cut it with the boys when they come home. You might want to move to France or Russia. If you sir are not aiding the enemy then no one is. YOU will be remembered forever as a Traitor. Why do you stay in America??

Yeah, like living in France would be so terrible.

From bradsilliman@yahoo.com:

5-16-04

Savannah, Tennessee

Dear Ted:

RE: Your recent controversial cartoon and column about former NFL player Pat Tillman

Something you need to know about the American special forces community is that they are very loyal to each other. When you insult them as a group it really doesn’t faze them much. But when you intentionally attack one of their dead comrades you cross a lethal line.

I served in the 1st Marine Division in Vietnam. I am not a special forces veteran nor a hero. But I have worked with the SF community enough to know them. And all I can say is I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when Tillman’s buddies start coming home.

Now that would be scary enough but then you write a column headlined: “Army of Scum.”

You see Ted, I knew kids like you when I was growing up. They would stand in their front yard and taunt you and everybody else until you got mad and came toward them. Then they would run into their house and lock the door. They would hope that by the time you saw them again you would have forgotten about it or had better things to do than retaliate against them–and they were usually right.

But this time Ted you have insulted a whole sub-culture of millions, of whom a sizable number aren’t going to forget. You would have been wiser to insult the Hell’s Angels than the Rangers. Rangers are crazier than bats. I am a non-violent person and I hope no harm comes to you. But if it does, it will be your own fault, you silly little fool.

B. Silliman

Yeah, you sure sound like Gandhi.

From jbshort@direcway.com:

You know, of course, that you are a piece of human excrement.

Bill Short

Caulfield, Missouri

Of course!

From chucksierra@hotmail.com:

It’s you see-it-only-one-way, woe-is-me, constantly bitching and moaning

Leftists, or better put another way, you floating turds in the stool that

are flushing this country down the drain. There…..

instead of putting that in your pipe and smoking it, put that in your comic

strip and let the whole world see your real shitty talent! Mr. Chuck Sierra

in Seattle….

From je-69@excite.com:

was just watching your interview on fox…the single question I have is do you work at it,or does it come natural like to be a true total asshole………is it true the dog beat your daddy over the fence?….

If anybody understands this reference, please write. I did not grow up on a farm.

From Ficuspt@aol.com:

I HOPE YOU DIE YOU SCUMBAG

From Jwes466282@aol.com:

U R one worthless piece of shit

From buss_ajp@msn.com:

You belong in Iran… You piece of shit!

I do hope you loose your deal

From tms867@rcn.com:

Defending ones country is not restricted to its immediate borders. You are clearly obtuse, misguided, and narrow minded in your understanding of human behavior and world history.

Your Pat Tillman cartoon, and your defense of it, is a vile indication of that.

I will no long purchase any of the publications you are affiliated with,

Regretfully,

TMS

I wonder if this person purchases ANY publications?

From ced_booker@msn.com:

Re: Blacklisted

That’s what you are!

Rockslinger

Atlanta, Georgia

From jmbluechip@charter.net:

Thank god a wimp like you is not charged with defending this country. I bet you got bullied around when you were in school, huh? I bet your inferiority complex prevents you from talking to chics huh? I am so sorry that your little ego was hurt permanently by bullies and turned you into this pathetic wimp. I am so very sorry you trash those (i.e. Pat Tillman) who defend your write to have your itty bitty cartoons. Please please…for the love of god….get a life and become a man…..SOON!!

My Deepest Sympathy,

Joe

Not only did I talk to Chic, I also owned some of the records.

From mdbiddle@earthlink.net:

Dear Mr. Rall,

I read your guidelines before e-mailing you. I can understand where you might have gotten some hate mail after everything you’ve written, especially about Pat Tillman. In keeping with your guidelines I will try to keep my criticism constructive and give you credit where credit is due. From your recent appearances on Fox and the picture in your bio you appear to be human. That’s positive. That your political opinions are so bizarre and contravene every fact known to terrestial life is both positive and negative. It’s positive in that you are proof of extra-terrestial life, your opinions being completely out of this world as you might therefore be. That would be very good in that we have searched extensively for extra-terrestail life. It’s negative, however, in that we assumed extra-terrestials would be more intelligent than us. You are a serious disappointment in that regard. Your assimilation programming should have included some rudimentary logic, some ability, even a modicum, to distinguish reality from your twisted leftist imaginigs.

I guess the constructive part of my criticism would be to attend some philosophy courses that would teach some rudimentary logic. As long as you want to put words in the mouths of those you satirize perhaps you should study some source references. I recommend the Geneva Conventions for starters. Do you see where in that document it talks about terrorists? If not, why not? Perhaps no one thought of terrorists as combatants, relying as they do on perfidy to approach their target: innocent civilians, which the Conventions specifically abjure against deliberate targeting. If they are using illegitimate means (perfidy) to deliberately target the innocent, perhaps what they are doing could be characterized as illegal under the Law of Armed Conflict? If they are under arms they’d have to be combatants of a sort, don’t you think? Maybe then we could characterize them as “illegal combatants?” Doesn’t that sound descriptive of what they are? Is there something about this that escapes you, something that you don’t understand? If they are combatants, albeit illegal, do you think we should just treat them like criminals perhaps? Should we accord them rights, like the presumption of innocence, legal representation, trial by peers? If we can’t prove a capital case beyond a shadow of a doubt, should we release them in the hope that they will slip up on their fourth or fifth attempt perhaps? Should we just hope that they’ll slip enough to provide sufficient evidence for conviction? Should we maybe pray that our civilization will survive long enough to gather this evidence and provide a court in which to hold the trial?

What is the name of the planet you are from? Are you accepting donations for a return trip?

God–I love this email. All I’ll add is: The Geneva Conventions don’t specifically mention 9/11 either. So what?

From NettDE@aol.com:

You are an over inflated horses ass!

Please, my kingdom for a sharp needle>

From spiritofny@hotmail.com:

as a mother of an american soldier who joined after 911 i find u an very

offensive person i dare u to come to nyc and to ground zero and say the shit

u say in fact i find u very unamerican but then look at u u look like a geek

u act like a geek so why should anyone listen to u or even take a pussy

liike u serious no wonder u made the unpopular list u mentions hundreds who

opposed the war u forgot to mention the millions who support the war and i

will write to oreilly calling for a boycott on u asshole move to canada

that where a coward like u belong

From tle9@carolina.rr.com:

You are a big piece of shit!

From M2000BJ@aol.com:

Ted,

You’re a lunatic! We’re at WAR, man! And you have no sense of common human decency to say such things about Tillman and others who have given their lives — which is more than you’d ever be willing to do for the country you supposedly love.

If you think Pakistan, Saudi, and Egypt are the targets we should have hit — then that’s fine. We can hit them next. But with the ridiculously small size of our standing Army — thanks to cutbacks since the Vietnam era — certainly you must be able to realize why we had to take out Afghanistan and Iraq first! It doesn’t take the IQ of an Einstein to figure that out.

T. Johnson

Yeah, we HAD to take out Iraq and Afghanistan first. It only stands to reason.

From melissal.pezzuti@verizon.net:

YOU SUCK AND ALWAYS WILL

There’s nothing like a fortune teller to ruin your day.

From dswartz2@cox.net:

YOUR COMMENTS ON FOX NEWS TELLS ME YOUR SICK IN THE HEAD!!!

From thunder1934@msn.com:

You are a piece of communist manure.

From BellMT@state.gov:

Dear Communist,

I am appalled that people like you are allowed to call yourself

American. I hold that title with great pride. When I see a man that gives up

all his fame and fortune to do his part by serving in the military, most

people would consider him a hero. I do. But there is always someone who

feels the need to criticize. You can say what you want about the war that

never should have happened, you can talk trash on Bush all you want, that’s

fair game. But to make fun of a HERO that gave his life for the same right

that you, yourself, take for granted… That’s just wrong, man. Whats the

matter, no inspiration? You and writing is like a blind man shopping for

porn. People like you give democrats a bad name.

PS I feel sorry for you mother.I am visiting New York soon. I suggest you

avoid that state.

They Never Learn

From today’s New York Times…first the good news:

Under a barrage of international and domestic criticism, the top American commander in Iraq has barred virtually all coercive interrogation practices, like forcing prisoners to crouch for long periods or depriving them of sleep, the Pentagon said Friday.

The commander, Lt. Gen. Ricardo S. Sanchez, will still consider requests to hold prisoners in isolation for more than 30 days, according to a senior Central Command official who briefed reporters on Friday. The general has approved 25 such requests since October, the official said. But the official said that General Sanchez would deny requests to use other harsh methods.

“Simply, we will not even entertain a request, so don’t even send it up for a review,” the Central Command official said.

Then the bad:

The changes appear to affect only operations in Iraq, and would not change interrogation methods at the American base at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, or in Afghanistan.

Given that allegations of murder, mistreatment, beatings and torture go back to the start of the war in Afghanistan–remember the treatment Johnny Walker Lindh received?–it’s not like our Afghan gulags should get a free pass. Ditto with Gitmo, where dozens of prisoners have already committed suicide after having been driven mad by U.S. interrogators. But the Bush Administration seems absolutely determined to stretch out the prison abuse scandal as long as possible.

The question is, will it make a difference in November? At this point, anyone who votes for George W. Bush tacitly admits they favor torture. Living next to such morality-deprived scum should make the skin of any red-blooded American patriot crawl.

Tillman Toon Original

Many people have written to ask about the price for the original artwork for last week’s Tillman cartoon. Current high bid is $4,500; whoever is the high bidder as of Sunday night gets it.

For those who wonder, my originals normally sell for $500-$750.

It Gets Worse

According to today’s New York Times, the CIA subjects its “high profile” torture victims to such medieval practices as “waterboarding”–strapping the subject to a board, then repeatedly dunking him under water to make him think he’s going to drown. Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, one of the many #2 Al Qaeda guys we’ve captured, was apparently subjected to this treatment. The FBI, meanwhile, has been ordered to avoid such CIA torture sessions to avoid impugning their future prosecutions.

Anyone who knew about this, condoned it or allowed it to happen, Democrat or Republican, deserves the same treatment. The same goes for ordinary Americans who vote for these cretins this fall.

Cognitive Dissonance

“I share a deep disgust that those prisoners were treated the way they were treated. Their treatment does not reflect the nature of the American people.”

—George W. Bush, May 4

“[The beheading of Nick Berg] shows the true nature of the enemies of freedom. They have no regard for the lives of innocent men, women and children.”

—White House spokesman Scott McClellan, May 11

When we commit crimes, in other words, they’re aberrations. When they commit them, they reveal exactly who they are and what they’re about.

There I go again, talking treason!

Oh, and here’s an AP story that sheds new light on how Berg fell into the hands of his murderers. Bush’s Colonial Provisional Authority, it seems, locked the guy up for nearly two weeks with nary a phone call:

FAMILY LASHES OUT AT BUSH OVER BEHEADING

May 12, 2004 – 9:22AM

The father of an American contractor whose beheading was shown on an Islamic militant website lashed out at the US military and Bush administration today, saying his son might still be alive had he not been detained by US officials in Iraq.

The video, posted today, showed Nick Berg, 26, slain by an al-Qaeda-affiliated group. The video said the killing was to avenge the abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American soldiers.

Berg, a small telecommunications business owner, spoke to his parents on March 24 and told them he would return home on March 30. But he was detained by Iraqi police at a checkpoint in Mosul on March 24.

Berg was turned over to US officials and detained for 13 days.

His father, Michael, said his son was not allowed to make phone calls or contact a lawyer.

FBI agents visited Berg’s parents in West Chester on March 31 and told the family they were trying to confirm their son’s identity. On April 5, the Bergs filed suit in federal court in Philadelphia, contending that their son was being held illegally by the US military. The next day Berg was released. He told his parents he had not been mistreated.

Michael Berg said he blamed the US government for creating circumstances that led to his son’s death. He said if his son hadn’t been detained for so long, he might have been able to leave Iraq before the violence worsened.

“I think a lot of people are fed up with the lack of civil rights this thing has caused,” he said. “I don’t think this administration is committed to democracy.”

Berg’s family said US State Department officials had told them yesterday that Berg’s decapitated body was found on a highway overpass in Baghdad on Saturday.

When told about the website, Berg’s father, brother and sister collapsed in their front yard.

“I knew he was decapitated before,” Michael Berg said. “That manner is preferable to a long and torturous death. But I didn’t want it to become public.”

Berg’s mother, Suzanne, said her son was in Iraq as an independent businessman to help rebuild communication antennas. Berg owned a communications equipment company, Prometheus Methods Tower Service Inc, she said.

The Bergs last heard from their son on April 9, when he told his parents he would come home via Jordan. Suzanne Berg said that the family had been trying for weeks to learn where their son was, but that US federal officials had not been helpful.

“I went through this with them for weeks,” she said. “I basically ended up doing most of the investigating myself.”

Berg had gone to Third World countries several times to help spread technology, his family said. He had previously been to Kenya and Ghana, where they said he had bought a $US900 ($A1,300) brick-making press for a poor village.

Michael Berg described himself as fervently anti-war, but said his son disagreed.

“He was a Bush supporter,” Berg said. “He looked at it as bringing democracy to a country that didn’t have it.”

Suzanne Berg said she was told her son’s body would be transported to Kuwait and then to Dover, Delaware.

– AP

Even conservatives have stopped defending the war in Iraq. The sane ones, anyway. Yet the belief persists, even among the thinking/liberal half of the population, that the war against the Taliban was somehow more just, more honest, a more logical reaction to the 9/11 attacks.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

As Bob Woodward writes in “Bush At War,” Afghanistan was a dry run to Iraq in every respect–marketing, strategy, weaponry. The Bushies did Afghanistan first because they knew that, no matter how many mistakes they made, they could defeat the Taliban. At least at first.

The justifications for the war, however, were every bit as fraudulent as the WMD claims about Iraq. Pakistan, not Afghanistan, was and is the world’s HQ for Al Qaeda. Osama bin Laden wasn’t in Afghanistan at the start of the war. And the Taliban repeatedly offered to turn him over in exchange for evidence that he was involved in 9/11. Bush turned them down.

Like Iraq, there’s an energy connection. The Trans-Afghanistan Pipeline project, as the industry trade journal Oil & Gas noted on May 3rd, is scheduled for groundbreaking in 2005:

Petroleum minister Nouraiz outlines foreign investment needs in Pakistan

 By an OGJ Correspondent

KARACHI, May 3 — Pakistan’s Federal Minister for Petroleum and Natural Resources Nouraiz Shakoor, at a press conference, invited foreign investors to participate in a $1 billion oil refinery proposed for Pakistan, in exploration blocks, and in gas storage facilities at Gwadar for Balochistan Province and in storage facilities for the hilly areas of the country.

Saying there was a need for both upstream and downstream investment in Pakistan’s oil and gas sector, Nouraiz said he hoped in fiscal year 2004-05 to surpass the record $800 million provided by foreign investors in all sectors of oil and gas in Pakistan during fiscal year 2003-04.

He said the feasibility study for the $3 billion Turkmenistan-Afghanistan-Pakistan oil pipeline would be completed by June, and the project would begin by yearend 2005. Nouraiz said that a consortium of companies would be formed later this year to fund the pipeline.

The consortium is said to be led by Unocal Corp., former employer of Afghan President Hamid Karzai and pet Bush Administration ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad.

Because the details are obscure and the story complex, I wrote a whole book–GAS WAR: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE AMERICAN OCCUPATION OF AFGHANISTAN–to tie it all together. And I vetted it the best way I know how: by sending it to all of the right-wing media that loves to to attack me. Interestingly, neither The Weekly Standard nor The National Review nor The Washington Times deemed this “consipiracy” title worthy of review, or trashing.

As Joe Bob Briggs says, check it out.

“Why do you even bother?” That’s a question numerous Friends of Rall have asked me during the last few days. During the Pat Tillman cartoon controversy, I appeared on Fox TV’s “O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity and Colmes,” as well as Hannity’s and Colmes’ syndicated radio talk shows to discuss the cartoon and the wars.

To be sure, I didn’t get a fair hearing. A lot of people don’t know that O’Reilly’s show is taped a few hours earlier; any real zingers on the part of a liberal guest get edited out. And Hannity is partial to yammering on and on and on so long that you can’t get a word in edgewise.

Still, I have to hand it to the conservatives: they’re willing to confront ideas and people they find uncomfortable. Which is a lot more than I can say for the so-called liberal media, which generally has nothing to do with true progressives. I’ve been listening to Air America for the better part of a month, every day, and have yet to hear them interview anyone to the left of Al Gore. MoveOn.org didn’t even invite me to their big shindig in New York City, where I live, a few months back. And I can’t even get The Nation to review one of my books.

So there’s the answer. I’m willing to be treated rudely by right-wing hosts for the chance to share progressive ideas with the American people. Liberals, after all, don’t give other liberals exposure.

Return of the Neo-McCarthyite Censors

The same anti-American pro-war/Bush bloggers who led the charge to get me banned from The New York Times.com are at it again. Now they’re deluging MSNBC.com with hate mail about my cartoons. Why? Because the last thing right-wingers want is someone who attacks them with the same ferocity as they attack Democrats.

I’ll keep drawing cartoons whether or not MSNBC drops me, but it’s important to send a message to these neo-McCarthyite censors that their campaign of intimidation won’t work. Whether you agree with everything I write or not, please e-mail MSNBC to ask them to keep giving you the option of reading my work.

Send your email to:

GeneralComments@feedback.msnbc.com with a copy to letters@msnbc.com.

The right is on the ropes; they’re terrified that they’re about to lose big in November, so big that the Republican Party may never again be trusted with the White House. Until then they’ll be more dangerous than ever. Hold firm for our endangered democracy!

GENERALISSIMO EL BUSHO: Essays and Cartoons from the Bush Years

Hot on the heels of my political wake up call to America and the Democrats WAKE UP, YOU’RE LIBERAL: HOW WE CAN TAKE AMERICA BACK FROM THE RIGHT comes my collection of essays and cartoons about George W. Bush, GENERALISSIMO EL BUSHO. I just received my first advance copy from the printer and it looks awesome!

Available in hardback and paperback, order now if you want to get yours within a few weeks, before it starts showing up in stores.