A few days ago, The New York Times ran a piece about how they weren’t paying artists for the artwork you sometimes see replacing the Google logo on their main search page. Today they published my letter to the editor.
SYNDICATED COLUMN: Resistance is Purile
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The Going Gets Tough. The Tough Start Blogging.
This is the second of two parts.
NEW YORK, NORTH AMERICAN PROTECTORATE, GREATER GERMAN REICH—At first glance, everything looks fine. Sixty-five years after the Nazi victory at D-Day brought this North American city into the fold of the Greater German Reich, the security situation is calm. Families stroll the sidewalks. Stores that haven’t been boarded up are filled with browsers. Travelers line up to take the express elevator to the top of Manhattan’s Adolf Hitler Tower to board express zeppelin service to Germania.
But not everyone is happy. Decades after being conquered by Germany, North American subjects of the Greater Reich are growing restive. “We would greatly appreciate it if you would consider withdrawing,” reads the pointed graffiti on the side of a local SS recruiting station.
Why the anger? Six months after a new chancellor came to power amid promises of dramatic change, the Reich remains at war. Between the officially unemployed and the long-term dispossessed, 20 percent of North Americans are out of work. Auschwitz is closing and torture has been banned, but dissidents say Adolf Hitler III’s reforms are merely window-dressing.
“He still reserves the right to use ‘enhanced interrogation techniques,'” points out Seth, a 26-year-old who says he lives in the ‘still cool’ section of the Williamsburg gau of Brooklyn. “OK, so maybe he needs them. But the Auschwitz detainees are being transferred to Buchenwald and Dachau. What’s with that? And now this ‘Soviet surge.’ This isn’t the change we hoped for.”
Seth is the twisted face of the Resistance, an umbrella term for the motley mix of militant factions dedicated to the overthrow of the occupation regime. Some are liberals opposed to human rights abuses. Some are leftists who want economic equality. Others oppose the Reich’s wars, which they consider pointless and immoral. All say they’re willing to use any means necessary.
Seth is so furious that he has even started a blog, SomewhatAnnoyed.net, where he catalogues a litany of complaints against Nazism. “People are afraid to post comments but I know they’re out there, lurking. And I earn serious mid two-digits from BlogAds.”
Whether it’s Twittering, posting to Facebook pages or creating an iPhone app like iResist, such radical action against the authorities takes many forms. After her boyfriend was deported to the east, Greta vowed to write a letter to the editor to her local newspaper. “Once you commit yourself to the path of resistance against the fascist oppressor,” she said, “you must accept that you will either end up dead or in prison. I’m okay with that.” Although she hasn’t gotten around to writing the letter yet—”I’ve been super busy with my book club, not to mention transferring my files from Blogger to WordPress”—she says nothing can stop her from “ruthlessly smashing the infrastructure of dictatorship.”
Bob and Ken blame GAFTA, the Germano-Antipodes Free Trade Agreement, for the loss of their jobs when their employer moved to New Zealand. Bored and broke, they while away their afternoons plotting their revenge over chocolate-flavored caffeinated beverages at chain coffee shops with other disaffected partisans. “The German pigs have to go,” says Bob. “We’ll get them where it hurts.” He is planning to think about organizing a poetry jam.
Terrorist sabotage was on the agenda at a recent meeting of their cell. “We should totally march around holding signs and chanting slogans,” Bob suggested. “Maybe it would slow down traffic or something,” he said, fantasizing that a busload of deportation victims might then go to their deaths later than scheduled. But getting a protest permit might require filling out a form, countered Ken. “Not to mention a fee,” agreed Bob. “Anyway, protesting didn’t work in the ’60s. Did it?”
Denise, a fierce brunette in her late 30s, represents the ruling elite’s worst nightmare. First, she obtained an MBA. Then she got a job on Wall Street. “I’m infiltrating the corporate capitalists’ den, learning their methods from the inside,” she said. “Once I’ve spent 30 or 40 years allaying their suspicions by doing everything they want and then some, I’ll pose as a harmless retiree. They’ll never see it coming!”
At this writing, the Gestapo had inexplicably disbanded the American division of its counterinsurgency operations.
COPYRIGHT 2009 TED RALL
New Animation Mocks Credit Cards
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This one was inspired by Obama’s lame-ass credit card bill of rights, in which the credit card companies promised to sort of reduce their maximum interest rate from 41 percent (strange but true, that’s how high it can go). It does require having seen those old American Express ads, though.
New Animation Coming Monday
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This Monday, I go after the greedy-as-hell credit card industry in a new animated editorial cartoon done with David Essman. Stay tuned!
Scott & Ted’s Excellent Radio Show
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Tomorrow morning!
6-9 am CENTRAL time
Livestreamed: http://www.wapi1070.com
SYNDICATED COLUMN: Taking Time Takes Patience
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Desperate and Afraid, People Trust Leader
This is the first of two parts.
WASHINGTON, NORTH AMERICAN PROTECTORATE, GREATER GERMAN REICH–From Honolulu to Portland, Maine, North American citizens of the Greater German Reich gathered on June 6th to celebrate the 65th anniversary of the victory of Axis forces at D-Day, the battle that decided World War II. Fallen heroes of the Wehrmacht and SS were commemorated at solemn ceremonies and Party rallies throughout the Reich, but the day held special meaning in Washington, which until 1945 was the capital of the former United States.
Speaking at the Supreme Kommandatur, which was built at the site of the former American presidential palace, Chancellor Adolf Hitler III said the war against the Western Allies paved the way for the years of peace and prosperity that followed. “It was unknowable then, but so much of the progress that would define the 20th century, on both sides of the Atlantic, came down to the battle for a slice of beach only six miles long and two miles wide,” he said.
Recollections of the National Socialist triumph at Normandy were clouded by several developments–a severe recession, a war with no apparent end in sight, and continuing concerns over human rights abuses.
Hitler III swept into power last November with a slogan–“change you can believe in”–that charmed members of the Reichstag across the political spectrum from far right to extreme right. Since that time, however, changes have proven either incremental or non-existent. For example, Hitler III promised during the campaign to help national comrades in danger of losing their homes–but instead spent trillions of marks to bail out feckless banks. He promised to withdraw from the Eastern Front, but has extended the pullout timeline by a year, is leaving tens of thousands of troops in place, and even plans to open a new front in South Asia.
Finally, he declared his intent to close Auschwitz (“Germany does not ‘do’ genocide,” he said) only to move the remaining inmates to other camps, which are being expanded.
Despite the lack of action, most people continue to support the charismatic new Leader. “He has a lot on his plate,” says Kristof Mathewsohn, the cable TV commentator. “Give the guy time.”
Indeed, five months into his chancellorship, the Leader remains the most trusted figure in North American politics. A new poll of homeless, recently dispossessed workers found that 72 percent trust Hitler III “to do the right thing.”
“In watching and listening to Hitler III’s press conferences, it’s easy to appreciate why people trust him,” said a man who preferred to remain anonymous because, as a Jew, he could be arrested and murdered by the state. “Sure, I wish he’d shut down the gas chambers and the ovens, but he has a lot of other problems to fix first. I’m sure he’ll get around to investigating the guys in the previous administration for their role in the Holocaust–nothing drastic, maybe a truth and reconciliation commission or something.”
Members of the media remain in thrall to the Leader’s suave persona, which is magnified by the glamour his statuesque wife and adorable daughters have brought to Germania (formerly Berlin). “Finally–parties we can believe in!” quipped a reporter as he slipped into a sold-out Wagner performance where Hitler III and his family appeared for a long-promised “date night.”
Few have forgotten that Hitler III offered the best alternative. “We live in a one-party system,” pointed out Rachel Maddoff, host of “The Rachel Maddoff Show.” “Can you imagine how much worse it would have been had Hitler III lost?”
NEXT WEEK: Resistance!
COPYRIGHT 2009 TED RALL
Later This Week: Scott and Ted’s Excellent Radio Show
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Conservative editorial cartoonist Scott Stantis and I are teaming up this coming Thursday and Friday morning for three hours of morning drive talk radio each morning–in Birmingham, Alabama. This is a one-time thing, not the beginning of a regular show.
Topics will include national and international news, local stuff, and social/pop culture.
When: 6-9 am East Coast time
Thursday, June 11 and Friday, June 12
If you’re in Birmingham, Alabama, check out the show at 1070 AM WAPI. There’s also a link (on the upper righthand corner) to LISTEN LIVE online.
Wanna Become the Ted Rall House Band?
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I need a band to create short (10-15 seconds) bits, often covers of rock songs, for the beginning and end of my animated political cartoons. If you’re in such a confab, please get in touch: chet@rall.com.
Remuneration: Glory and a share of the profits if and when any materialize. And as many originals as you can stand.
Ted Rall: John Avlon’s "Wingnut of the Week"
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Check out militant moderate CNN talking head John Avlon’s pick for (left) Wingnut of the Week: me.
He’s entitled to his opinion. Obviously. What is amazingly disingenuous is Avlon’s approach: he never explains why I asked Obama to resign. Even when he’s asked “where is that coming from?” he doesn’t answer. That’s right–he doesn’t mention the topic of my column, which is Obama’s plan to radically change American law to permit the government to hold people in preventative detention (Obama calls it “prolonged detention”) in case they might commit a crime in the future.
It’s an amazingly dishonest smear–one that glosses over the possibility that anyone would have a legitimate reason to oppose Obama.
Could it be that, if they heard about Obama’s plan–one that the New York Times called one of the biggest changes in our legal system ever–most Americans would agree with me?
SYNDICATED COLUMN: How To Talk to a Pro-Lifer (and you must)
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How Pro-Choicers Should Learn to Talk to Pro-Lifers
All too often in American politics opposing sides talk past one another, firing off arguments loaded with language that stands no chance of persuading those who hold other views.
The debate over what to do about 9/11 was such a moment, one that initiated the current era of polarization. When liberals recoiled at torture and GOP attacks on civil liberties, conservatives accused them of being anti-American traitors. When Republicans supported preemptive warfare against Iraq, liberals called them fascists and warmongers.
If we had the chance for a do-over, it would probably happen just the same way. The attacks in New York and Washington exposed a fault line in Americans’ views of what makes our country great: liberals treasure the U.S. for the Bill of Rights whereas conservatives value living at the center of a wealthy and powerful empire. The kill-’em-all-let-God-sort-’em-out crowd doesn’t live in the same universe as those of us who would have used diplomacy and international law to apprehend the murderers of September 2001.
The murder of doctor George Tiller at his Kansas church has again exposed the fault line over abortion. Both sides talk past one another. The pro-choice contingent snaps that pro-lifers, more often than not right of center, care only about human life between conception and birth. For their part, many pro-lifers fail to concede some obvious points, like the fact that forcing a girl to bear a child that results from rape or incest is obscene.
I am militantly pro-choice on practical grounds. You can’t tie a woman down for nine months and force her to bear a child. And also on moral ones: women must be able to control their bodies. Nevertheless, I am disgusted by much of my fellow pro-choicers’ rhetoric in the aftermath of the shooting of Dr. Tiller.
Reveling in the same kind of smug self-righteousness that characterized Bush and his supporters after 9/11 (did they really think questioning liberals’ patriotism would convince them to support invading Iraq?), my fellow pro-choicers are attempting to marginalize pro-life Americans as out of touch and possibly insane.
“It’s senseless,” said the director of an abortion clinic in Portland, Oregon. Even President Obama weighed in: “However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence,” said a White House statement.
If you’re intellectually honest, however, murdering an abortionist isn’t inherently “senseless.” If you believe (as I do) that life begins at conception, then the first cellular division after a sperm fertilizes the ovum represents human life every bit as much as you and me. The standard feminist claim that a baby isn’t alive until it’ “viable” outside the womb is ridiculous. I know 25-year-olds who aren’t fully viable.
Abortion is murder. In my view women have—and ought to continue to have—the right to murder their unborn babies. Each abortion is a tragedy, some necessary and others not, and all of them are murder. It’s not a position that I’m comfortable with. But as sad and horrible as abortion is, I can’t see telling a woman who doesn’t want to carry a pregnancy to term that she has to do so.
For those who choose to prioritize the fetus over the mother, on the other hand, it is a simple straightforward leap to the next assumption. Since murder is wrong and mass murder is even worse, than it becomes morally incumbent upon people of good will to do whatever it takes to stop it. President Obama says abortion “cannot be resolved by…violence,” but he’s too cute by half. With abortion the law of the land since 1973, a Democratic-majority Congress and Obama about to see his (pro-choice) pick seated on the Supreme Court, there is nothing anyone can do within the existing legal and political system to put an end to what pro-lifers view as the annual murder of millions of Americans. What are they supposed to do? Write a blog?
“According to God’s laws,” wrote Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry after the shooting, “and the laws that govern how we protect the innocent in times of peace, George Tiller was one of the most evil men on the planet; every bit as vile as the Nazi war criminals who were hunted down, tried, and sentenced after they participated in the ‘legal’ murder of the Jews that fell into their hands.”
Tiller wasn’t just any doctor. His practice’s focus on third-trimester abortions—60,000 in all, according to Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly, but exact numbers aren’t available—had already prompted an anti-abortion activist to shoot him. “Dr. Tiller was well-known for providing abortions for women who discovered late in pregnancy that their fetuses had severe or fatal birth defects,” reports The Wall Street Journal. “He also aborted healthy late-term fetuses. Some of his patients, he said, were drug addicted and some were as young as nine years old.” Complexity is so damned complicated. He aborted healthy late-term babies? Sick! But who wants a nine-year-old girl to become a mom? Not me.
For those who oppose abortion, the question is: Would you kill Adolf Hitler?
As liberal talking heads have been saying repeatedly, abortion is legal. But that’s not much of an argument. So was slavery. So was denying women the right to vote. As Randall Terry points out, so was killing Jews in Nazi Germany. If obeying the law was always the right thing to do, we would teach our kids that George Washington was a terrorist. And no one would drive faster than 55.
True, many pro-lifers are right-wingers with their own problems with hypocrisy—I’d love to see the stats on “pro-lifers” who voted for Bush in 2004, after he’d murdered more than a hundred thousand Afghans and Iraqis. But liberals don’t do themselves or the pro-choice movement any favors by glibly dismissing every fetus as a soulless lump of protoplasm or calling those who resort to violence to try to save them psychotic terrorists.
COPYRIGHT 2009 TED RALL
