The Blog I’d Write If Someone Paid Me

The makes me feel guilty. Every day tens of thousands of people pull up this URL—tune in, if you will—to see if I’ve opined on this or that. And, for the most part, I haven’t.
Failing to meet consumer expectations is not a sound business strategy. A few years back the CEO of Blockbuster Video surveyed the company’s customers and found that, the vast majority of the time, they couldn’t find the video they’d most hoped to rent. Look at Blockbuster now. (Well, Netflix didn’t help.)
The trouble is, the isn’t a business. It’s a net loss, not only in the time it takes to feed its gaping word-count maw, but in the cost of paying for server space. In an average week, I owe three editorial cartoons and a column to my syndicate, two cartoons to freelance clients, and half a book chapter to my publisher—plus whatever random projects (movie pitches, nascent animation schemes, searching for WMDs) I happen to be working on at a given time. If I were starting out now and were, say 24 years old, a blog would be a great way to practice writing and gain attention. Now it’s a distraction from paying work. This is why the best blogs are written by 24-year-olds and pros who get paid by someone.
Today I proffer the kind of stuff I’d talk about if I had the time. After today, well—back to catch as catch can.

Ashamed to be from Ohio

Something happened to the residents of the Buckeye State since I left in 1981. People renowned for their common sense have lost their minds.
Case Study: Democrats have joined Republicans in Ohio’s infamously corrupt state legislature to sponsor a bill, the proposed Kristen’s Law, that would require convicted “violent sex offenders and child predators to place fluorescent green license plates on their cars.” Governor Ted Strickland, who makes me ashamed of my first name, says he’ll sign the bill if it passes the General Assembly.
Talk about a good inducement to force people to use mass transit! Of course, they’ll probably force the pervs to buy color-coded fare cards.
What’s next? Mandatory forehead tattoos?
Fortunately, there are people who get it–sorta. Representative Bill Seitz, Republican of Cincinnati and Majority Whip, says: “I certainly want to keep our children safe from sexual predators, but I worry about casting the scarlet A, instead of on Hester Prynne, around Hester Prynne’s family.” After all, it’s not just daddy perv who drives the family SUV. What if his non-perv son or daughter gets dragged out of the marked vehicle and beaten to death by vigilante neighbors?
But Seitz doesn’t go far enough. The real question, as I’ve asked repeatedly, is this: If sex offenders are dangerous recidivists, why release them? The answer, despite the political posturing, must be one of the following: (a) They’re not really all that dangerous; or (b) Keeping them locked up for life is too expensive.
I’m guessing the answer is a bit of (a) and all of (b). Many so-called sex offenders are really statutory rapists—19-year-old men with 17-year-old girlfriends. The system conflates these harmless “criminals” with the sickos who leap out of the bushes to attack schoolchildren after class. It’s more politically palatable to outsource the policing of these people to us ordinary citizens with stupid laws named after victims of sex crimes, like Megan’s Law, than to raise taxes for new prisons and mental health treatment centers.
Dangerous sex predators don’t deserve to find their windshields smashed every time they emerge from their Kroger’s. They deserve effective treatment and, if that’s not possible, we deserve to be protected from them—forever.

Even in Death, Silence About Thomas Eagleton

The death last week of former Missouri Senator Thomas Eagleton, was marked by obituaries notable for what they didn’t say.
In what became known as “The Eagleton Affair,” Eagleton got dumped as the 1972 Democratic nominee for Vice President when it emerged that he had checked himself into the hospital for psychiatric treatment, including shock treatment, during the 1960s, due to “nervous exhaustion.” In this age of pop psychiatry and Prozac, it’s hard to believe that a political career would suffer much by such a revelation. In 1972, however, it was enough to force George McGovern to cut him loose.
Media accounts, including in such relatively liberal outlets as NPR and PBS, mentioned the revelation of Eagleton’s psychiatric treatment in the passive voice: “When it was revealed that…” “When it came out that…”
Strictly speaking, a pair of reporters working for the Knight-Ridder newspaper chain broke the story. But how’d they find out the information in the first place?
The answer, of course, was that the Republicans’ infamous “dirty tricks” operatives. Confidential medical records were stolen by Nixon’s henchmen and leaked. But now that’s just history.

The Libby Verdict

So long, Scooter. It’s small consolation to Valerie Plame or the CIA whose agent was outed, but a medium-sized bass—something between a big and little fish—has finally paid the price for the Bush Administration’s perfidy. The optimist in me hopes that it’s merely the first of many convictions—and prison sentences—for this gang of imposters, liars, thieves and murderers.
Anyone who serves this gangster Administration at the cabinet or departmental levels has his or her hands dirty—and deserves to rot behind bars for the rest of their miserable lives. I’d make an exception for Libby, though: In exchange for his testimony against Thug-in-Chief Dick Cheney, I’d let him walk. Heck, I’d even let him keep his pension.

The Times’ Jihad Against Hugo Chávez

You’d think the New York Times would feel a little sheepish about the President of Venezuela. After all, the Times didn’t exactly cover itself with glory when, the day after a bumbling U.S.-backed junta overthrew the democratically elected socialist leader, it not only editorialized in favor of the coup but ran suspiciously lengthy and well-prepared puff pieces about the businessmen who carried it off. (Three days later, the junta guys were in jail, never again to be mentioned in the Newspaper of Record.)
You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.
Today’s Times continues the paper’s five-year campaign to depose Chávez were it directed at more worthy political leaders like, say, Islam “Boiling Prisoners R Us” Karimov of Uzbekistan, a key U.S. ally in the War of Terror.
“If your taste runs to three-hour speeches, chiseling away at democracy and a world-class personality cult, Mr. Chávez is your man,” the paper’s editorial says. Why do the editors resent Venezuelan president’s alleged longwindedness so much? Do they pay their Latin American reporters by the hour to transcribe his addresses? As for the “personality cult,” well—as they said in the hood ten years ago, check yourself. Only in the United States and especially in the Times, every presidential fart rates a front-page story. When I called a Times editor on his paper’s sycophancy at the height of Judy Miller’s reign of WMD error, he replied: “The President of the United States controls the armies and navies and the world’s biggest economy. Whatever he says is, by definition, news.” News, in this case, = lies. But I digress.
But here’s the real howler: “Concern over the popularity of Fidel Castro inspired the pro-democracy, pro-development policies of the Alliance for Progress during the Kennedy and Johnson administrations, one of the happier periods of inter-American relations.”
The period between 1961 and 1969 might be known for some happy developments—the miniskirt, for example—but citing it as a zenith of U.S.-Latin America relations is nothing short of hilarious. One only has to read ex-CIA agent Philip Agee’s expose “Inside the Company”—a catalog of sleazy attempts, some successful, others not—to manipulate the internal politics of South American and Central American nations to the economic and ideological interest of the U.S., or more specifically, American right-wingers and their allies in business. It is not something we want, or should want, to replicate.

GOP Hypocrites Toss Coulter Under the Bus

I know she wouldn’t do it for me. I hardly feel like doing it for her. But right is right and so is wrong, and I can’t keep silent when a fellow political pundit—albeit a slanderous, treasonous liar like Ann Coulter—gets Sister Souljahed by professional hypocrites John McCain, Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.

This morning’s New York Times has the story:

Speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference before an overflow crowd on Friday, Ms. Coulter said, “I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards.”
[…]Ms. Coulter, asked for a reaction to the Republican criticism, said in an e-mail message: “C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean.”

Memo to Ann: I know Ted Rall. Ted Rall is a friend of mine. I am Ted Rall. You will never be as funny as Ted Rall. So stop trying.
After liberal bloggers raised hell, strategists for three major GOP presidential candidates made a tactical decision to denounce her:

Of the major Republican candidates, only Mr. McCain did not attend, but he denounced her remarks on Saturday morning. “The comments were wildly inappropriate,” said his spokesman, Brian Jones.
Mr. Giuliani said, “The comments were completely inappropriate and there should be no place for such name-calling in political debate.”
Kevin Madden, a spokesman for Mr. Romney, said: “It was an offensive remark. Governor Romney believes all people should be treated with dignity and respect.”

Where were Romney, McCain and Giuliani since 9/11? For the worse part of six years Coulter has “joked” about bombing The New York Times building, equated Democrats with Al Qaeda terrorists and suggested that liberals ought to be chucked into internment camps. Along with other “mainstream” Republicans, these three turds were happy to remain silent while Coulter played the part of the rabid attack dog of the right, an I.R.A. to their Sinn Fein.
Now that the political climate has changed, however, they’re throwing her under the bus. How convenient. How tacky.
Calling John Edwards (who, if the election were held today, I would support with my vote) a “faggot” isn’t that a big deal. Yes, it’s an ugly word. But so is “asshole”—and I’ve referred to Bush as such at public gatherings without facing a beatdown. (I’ve also deployed other epithets like “murderer” and “idiot.”) If Edwards were gay, I’d feel differently about it.
A right-wing reader wrote recently to ask why I suddenly seemed so moderate after years of being a rabid left-wing com-symp (I can’t remember the other stuff). I replied that I hadn’t changed—that the country had.
The same thing is true for Coulter. She hasn’t changed. She’s always been a lousy writer, a humorless wannabe satirist and a shrill attack poodle of the Republican right. Her erstwhile supporters are deserting her now that the polls have flipped—but I can’t forget all the applause she got before. Not to mention the front-page suckuppery in Time magazine and the rest of the “liberal” mainstream press.

Comments Invited

I received this email this morning:

How are you? 
I must admit it’s been a long time since I read your column (and news in general come to think of it). I used to be very interested in world politics and news, but found that I only got more frustrated the more ‘news’ I read. I love your work (editorials, never got around to your other work, so many things to read, so little time, etc). I just happened to be iddly sitting at the pc tonight, finishing a glass of beer, and thought ‘hey, I miss Rall’s stuff, let’s check it out’. And I did. 
Now, either I’m becoming more dumb as days go by, or something in your writing style changed. 
Let me explain: I really do think I’m slightly above average when it comes to reading, understanding, and just generally being on the level when I read things. I’m not saying I’m brilliant or anything, but usually, I believe I understand an author’s point of view well enough. But I have to say, your last three pieces (I read them on Yahoo, the vegetarian thing, the pretzel, etc), I really cannot follow you! I’m reading, and I’m sitting at my pc thinking “Man, I must’ve really gotten dumb in the last months or so, because Rall, my favorite anti-republican, anti-conservative –I’m Canadian– doesn’t make any sense any more!”. I really, really didn’t get the vegan thing… What are you going on about? Damn man, I’m not getting you! I know you’re a class apart from that nutcase Coulter, but I think you need to make your writing (and your point in general) a bit easier to follow. Seriously. Americans now have this wonderful show “Are you smarter than a 5 year old”, and honestly, the only country in the world where that could happen is the U.S. Now, I can -usually- follow you, but now, you’ve lost me, and I’m Canadian! So I guess what I saying is this: for the sakes of Democrats (and by proxy Liberals in Canada) make you editorials count, and make ’em easier to understand! 
I know, I know, this might not be making a lot of sense, but I really ‘feel’ like something has changed in the way you write your stuff. Reeves? Yes, I expect him to be long-winded and relatively bizzaro, but you, I peg you as the People’s man… (I hope you won’t be insulted by this statement)… You need to make a difference, and that means reaching people. I have a hard time following you (or at any rate your last 3 pieces) and I’m afraid that only helps the ‘enemy’… We need a good, level-headed, educated person like you writing good pieces exposing the rot going on in North America, but you need to be ‘user-friendly’. It’s the only way I can put it. I’m sure if I go back to your pieces tomorrow, read them again, stop, think, it’ll be clear as day, but I’m not sure the average person will go through this exercise… 
 
Peace, and I hope this makes a modicum of sense to you… 
 
E.L. 
Canada 

Here’s my reply:

Hi E.L.,

I appreciate what you’re saying. I’ve always believed in writing in an accessible style. Writing, after all, is about communication. Showing off your ten-cent vocabulary words isn’t the point. The point is to express an idea as easily and simply as possible in the hope of stimulating discussion (and maybe, possible, you never know…change?).

This week’s column about vegetarianism attempted to express my distaste, not for vegetarians, but for the kind of sloppy thinking that justifies hurting other living things simply because they’re different than we are. I’m sorry it fell short of what you’ve come to expect from me. But I hope you’ll keep reading!

Best,
Ted

So, how about it? Is E.L. right or wrong? Please post a comment. I’ll be reading them and maybe even–you never know–reacting!

Sorry, No Hate Mail

I don’t get any anymore. Gee, I wonder why.

On the other hand, Jennifer had this to say:

When I saw the title of this week’s column, the first connection I made was to the “unwomen” in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. However, as I read your column, I realized my mistake. You make some key points about how various ethnic groups are treated, but I was disappointed that you did not include women as unpersons.

Enlightened writer that you are, I’m sure you’re aware of how women are routinely marginalized in the media, which portray doctored-up images of women (e.g., Katie Couric minus ten pounds) or women who fall far outside the norm (models, actresses), propagates glib generalizations about “security moms”, relegates “women’s issues” such as athletic anorexia to the New York Times Styles section, tokenizes the few who make it almost to the top (Nancy Pelosi, Carly Fiorino); and then there are the medical studies that test on males first, even for problems such as Rett Syndrome, which primarily affects females … I could go on ad nauseam.

Nowhere are women represented in a way that accepts us as whole humans rather than a one-off version of men. Never are our concerns treated as human concerns. Always we are treated as the exception, the strident bitch, the me-too whiner.

If we are elided even from your column, then we truly are unpersons.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

PS – Don’t forget the elderly, and also the children about whose interests many claim to care, but look at the crappy world we’re leaving for them.

I replied that she was absolutely right. One could write a (long) book on the topic of this week’s column, which barely scratches the surface of a topic with enormous import.

Obama’s First Gaffe

Hillary Clinton should be denied the presidency for voting like a neo-fascist: for the Iraq war, for the Afghan war, for the USA-Patriot Act (twice). Barack Obama, on the other hand, should be denied for being a pussy.

During a campaign stop in Iowa over the weekend, the Illinois senator told a crowd: “We now have spent 400 billion dollars and have seen over 3,000 of the bravest young Americans wasted.”

Fair enough. Except it’s more than $400 billion. And he forgot the Iraqis.

Then he apologized for his “slip of the tongue.”

Here, let me help: Those lives were wasted. Every last one of them. They all died for nothing. Well, they died for lies. Their mission made things worse, not better–both for America and for Iraq. And it’s a national outrage.

The sooner people start accepting the truth, that these sacrifices are all in vain, the sooner we’ll stop throwing even more lives away on an illegal, immoral and unwinnable endeavor.

Terrorists

The above photo from the front page of today’s New York Times tells more than just the story of, as the caption reads, “An Iraqi man” who “comforted his mother, who collapsed yesterday after he was questioned by American soldiers under a new security plan for Baghdad.”

“Questioned”? Note the plastic handcuff still on his left wrist, obviously cut to allow him to tend to his mother.

I couldn’t help notice the fact that these asshole soldiers are wearing their boots inside this Iraqi house. We’ve occupied Afghanistan for six years, Iraq for four, and our troops still think it’s OK to wear shoes inside? It’s not just Muslim Culture 101–taking your shoes off at the door is standard in most countries. Is there actually not one single Army officer who pays attention to local sensibilities and teaches local mores to their men?

Look at this guy’s face. If I was pro-American before, I’d sign up for the local insurgency the second these automatic weapon-toting shitkickers violated my home and terrorized my mother.