American History for High School Students
(September 2053 Edition)
As difficult as it may be to believe today, white Americans—now virtually extinct—were once the dominant ethnic majority in our country. Until as recently as the late 20th century, every President and 99 percent of all Congresspersons were Caucasian!
What happened to these fascinating people?
After four centuries of cultural and political dominance, such famous white Americans as Thomas Jefferson, Ernest Hemingway and Martha Stewart helped build a rich and vibrant civilization that peaked during the late 1900s. White people were responsible for such important inventions as the penknife and airplane. They built computer games, composed music like disco and techno and made contributions to postmodern architecture.
White Americans were deeply spiritual. They worshipped a male god with blond hair and blue eyes who lived in a “church,” a large auditorium ringed with benches where money was collected. In addition, they felt a strong kinship with the land, which they believed had been created by their “manifest destiny” for them to use as they saw fit. Having no strong concept of an afterlife, whites often exploited and murdered each other in order to accrue as many possessions as possible before they died. According to their “work ethic” the practitioners of these violent rituals were not only tolerated but widely admired by their victims. Their government was based on a plutocratic system, in which the most successful exploiters and murderers were rewarded with absolute power.
Although white society was oppressive, its concentration of power in the hands of a few allowed the creation of impressive monuments. Today in the 21st century we can still see such relics of slave-labor as tract housing, fast-food chains and the data used to create the early Internet.
Their family structures were extremely simple, consisting of only a mother and a few children. Males followed the example of animals, which they observed in televised nature shows. After fathering several children, white men struck out on their own and lived solitary lives in one-bedroom condominiums.
Several factors contributed to the decline of white Americans. Unchecked immigration, always a factor in American history, became dominated by Mexicans, Sri Lankans and other dark-skinned peoples during the last half of the 20th century. Although some politicians urged that the country’s borders be closed, most whites were too shortsighted to predict the long-term consequences of these migratory patterns. The newcomers established themselves in business, politics and pop culture. As the number of whites fell relative to other groups, their importance in society receded. By 2020, only 14 percent of Americans had any white ancestry whatsoever. Two decades later, whites were forced to live in gated communities in remote suburbs. By 2050, there were fewer than 75,000 living in the entire United States.
In addition, whites suffered from a low birthrate. Their work ethic, high-fat diet and Puritan heritage impeded their reproduction. White environmentalists, family planners, fundamentalist Christians and feminists discouraged sex and thus large families.
African-Americans, Asians and Hispanics, however, celebrated sexual intercourse as an integral part of their culture and enjoyed exploding family sizes.
Many anthropologists attribute the end of white American culture to affirmative action, a policy that gave priority for employment and education to blacks, women and gays. First developed to counteract the effects of white discrimination against other groups, affirmative action continued after 1970, even though these groups had long since achieved parity with whites. By the year 2000, whites were completely locked out of employment.
Along with declining numbers came discrimination. Whites were limited to the most menial forms of employment. Unable to buy or rent homes in desirable neighborhoods, whites were herded into squalid inner-city ghettos vacated by former minorities. In 2018, the first black-majority government of President Orenthal J. Simpson enacted legislation, the White Protection Act of 2018, that barred whites from the Eastern and Pacific time zones. From that point on, their fate was sealed.
Today we can still see whites practicing their culture on remote reservations in Kansas and eastern Colorado. Watching their big-screen televisions, driving monster trucks and listening to unsyncopated music, these relics of a once-great civilization are a reminder of our distant past and a sad warning of the errors that can lead to one’s own extinction.
(Ted Rall, 32, is a syndicated cartoonist and freelance writer based in New York.)
© 1996 Ted Rall, All Rights Reserved.