Why and How Bush Lost, Part XLVIII

Among the many petty annoyances that plague my life are the idiotic emails from conservatives who write to ask: “Don’t you Democrats understand the electoral college? Bush won the electoral college; the popular vote doesn’t matter. He’s the legitimate winner.”

Of course, you pinheads, we understand the electoral college system. What you don’t seem to understand is that Al Gore won Florida. He actually won Florida several ways:

Legally: Since the US Supreme Court, a federal body, doesn’t have jurisdictions over election disputes–state courts are the highest arbiters of elections–it didn’t have the right to hear Bush v. Gore. Even had its manipulations of Florida’s recount resulted in Al Gore being appointed president, then Al Gore would be illegitimate, and by definition George W. Bush would be president. The Supremes had no business involving themselves in this matter.

Through the Recount: 7 of 8 counting methods show that Gore won the newspaper-run recounts. The 8th method was the one that Bush sued to prevent. A state-wide recount, which fair-minded individuals agree would have been the best resolution, would have given Florida to Gore.

Because of Electoral Fraud: Gore actually carried Florida by anywhere from 200,000 to 400,000 votes, depending on whose estimate carries the day. He wins by a significant amount if you discount the fraudulent/late military ballots, add the African-Americans who were stopped by the cops from voting and discount the Buchanan Jews of butterfly-ballot fame.

Unfortunately there have been some Democrats who stupidly insist on rehashing the canard about Gore carrying the popular vote. That’s not the point. The point is that Gore won the electoral vote, too.

Now that that’s settled, Gov. Bush, would you please get the fuck out of Al Gore’s house? I keep waiting for some smart liberal resident of Washington DC to file eviction papers on Bush. We can’t impeach him since we wasn’t elected in the first place; the dude is, after all, little more than a squatter.

I’ll be away from the blog until the end of the month.

Speaking Engagements

This is to respond to a number of emails I’ve received:

Yes, I do speaking gigs. In fact, I love ’em! Anything to get out of the house, you know? I can talk about cartooning, Afghanistan, Iraq, the crimes of the Bush Administration, you name it. My typical gig involves showing my cartoons on a projection screen, following that up with a talk, and then doing a back-and-forth Q&A session with the audience.

If you’re interested in having me speak somewhere, please bear in mind the following:

I won’t do the assignment unless it’s properly promoted. That means ads in the local alternative weekly and daily newspaper, as well as listings (they’re not the same thing). This is for your own good; leaving flyers at the local bookstore won’t get you the crowd you’re hoping for either.

I charge a flat honorarium for all appearances outside of the New York metro area (an hour or less drive from Manhattan). If you’re a low-budget peace group in Portland, you may work with a local college or university, or the alt weekly, to go in on funding the honorarium. This seems to work out pretty well.

I also ask for round-trip first-class airfare to gigs away from NYC. While it’s true that I’m used to roughing it in the fiendish skies–Air Tajikistan’s first class is like cargo here in the States–I don’t HAVE to to do speaking gigs and won’t put my 6’2″ frame through any more abuse than necessary.

One way to save costs is to piggyback my appearance on one I’m already making. If you see here that I’m already coming to your town and want me to chat to your group, let me know and perhaps we can work out something for less than my usual expenses.

In the last year I’ve spoken at Truman State University in Kirksville MO, Carnegie-Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Lima High School in Lima OH and I’m getting ready for an appearance at the Yale Political Union in New Haven CT.

Bush’s Tumbling Poll Numbers

After peaking out at 90 percent popularity after 9/11, just 44 percent of the American people want to see Bush reelected (OK, elected) next year. On the one hand, this is a very good thing. We need, after all, to start cleaning up his mess as soon as possible, and the war crimes trials will take a while.

On the other hand, am I the only one who doesn’t have time for Americans who are just now waking up to the fact that this Administration is full of fascists, charlatans and other treasonous scum? What were those 46 percent who changed their mind between 9/11 and now thinking? Idiots all, that’s for sure.

Using Jessica Lynch

I was afraid that the story of Jessica Lynch’s setting the story straight would disappear in a day or two, and it has. What is it about the Bushite-era media that it can’t nurture a potential scandal?

Some of the highlights to air in an ABC “Primetime” special with Diane Sawyer (what, “60 Minutes” wasn’t interested?) include:

US military allegations that she was anally raped are untrue. (Now they say she forgot. Uh-huh.)

She didn’t go down fighting because her weapon jammed. (US-issue weaponry often did that in Afghanistan because of the dust; Iraq has similar conditions.)

Her Iraqi doctors never slapped her around; quite the contrary, they saved her life and tried to turn her over to US troops–who shot at them.

“They used me as a way to symbolize all this stuff,” Lynch told Sawyer. “It’s wrong.”

By itself the elaborate Pentagon put-on isn’t that big a deal..although you have to wonder why they felt it was necessary to stage an elaborate shoot-’em-up “rescue” into an undefended hospital. Were they that desperate to make Iraq look like a real war?

The spinning of Jessica Lynch is just one of countless Bush Administration lies about Iraq, Afghanistan, the economy and their methods of governance. The pattern is the same: big boner of a lie, followed by cautious unmasking of the same by the media, which are then shouted down by faux “patriot” right-wingers, followed by the passage of a few months, culminating with the revelation that the cynics had it right all along. Naturally, the right-wingers never admit that they were, as they always, inexorably are, all along.

It’s boring, and funny, and stupid, all at the same time. And it’s amazing that the American people are putting up with it.

A Fine Dessert of Vengeance, Served with a Frosting of Comeuppance

Proving once again that comedy is tragedy experienced by someone else, I was amused to see that a bunch of former cartoonists for the New York Press, the right-wing alternative weekly in Manhattan, are bitching about how they’ve been treated in a whiny thread on The Comics Journal message board.

The Press has gone through a few changes as of late, having been sold by long-time owner Russ Smith. But some things never change: they’re a poorly-paying, arbitrary and capricious publication that loves, loves, loves you when they hire you and treat you like so much dog excrement when they inevitably boot your ass a few months or years later.

The paper did serve a purpose back during the early to mid ’90s, when it hired new artists and writers to do autobiographical essays about their sex lives or whatever, and also featured a lot of comics–about a dozen at one point–that were just starting out. While these were by no means the best the alternative press had to offer (those are now found in The Village Voice and like-minded publications), it was good to see a paper that understood that comics were a big reader draw.

I wrote a number of long cover essays for the Press, and eventually (I think it was 1997) Russ called me in to discuss running my cartoons. “We love the strip,” Russ said. Whatever. About six months later, he canceled it. That’s what the Press does.

The new editor, Jeff Koyen, is a real piece of work. I thought it would be amusing to send in a submission of sample columns–they don’t run in New York–to the Press a few weeks after they annointed me #2 on their list of “The 50 Most Loathesome New Yorkers,” ahead of Yoko Ono even! For some reason the editor of MAXIM made #1. Hey, they don’t like my politics, fine. No hard feelings from me.

Anyway, Koyen sends me a long suck-up email in response, promising to pick up my column and starts negotiations on how much he wants to pay. We go back and forth a bit, so I figure it’s time to call him on the phone to say hi. Which he does, but begs off for a few weeks because he’s busy doing something with another publication called Sports Express or something. Fine. I follow-up a few weeks later, he ducks my voicemails, I move on.

Then, in the Press’ “Best of New York” issue, Koyen publishes a screed full of lies, saying that I stalked his phones and how he never had any interest in my column, yadayadayada. Hey, he’s the guy who asked for rates. Bizarre. What was more telling, however, is that nobody mentioned it to me. New Yorkers don’t read the Press anymore. Still, I have to ask myself, what’s WITH this guy?

Part of me feels sorry for this batch of cartoonists getting screwed over by the Press. Then the other part remembers how they reacted when it happened to me. It only hurts, as Len Deighton said, when I larf.

300,000 New Jobs Created?

The good news, they tell us, is that the economy has created 300,000 new jobs in the last 3 months. The trouble is that the economy has to generate 400,000 new jobs a month just to stay even with layoffs and standard attrition of businesses going under, etc. The “good news,” in other words, is that the net loss of jobs has decreased from 400,000 per month to 300,000 per month. I suppose that’s good news…but calling it a recovery is a bit rich. A recovery, after all, needs to actually add jobs to the economy, not take them away…

This weekend is a big book deadline weekend, so I shan’t be blogging much.

Dean Shouldn’t Have Apologized

Gov. Howard Dean will be, with a little luck, the next president of the United States. I like him, but he shouldn’t have apologized for his Confederate flag remark.

Only an idiot would choose to misinterpret what Dean said as an endorsement of the Confederacy or its treasonous battle flag, which I have come out against on numerous occasions. What he said, and he’s right, is that Democrats need to get working-class Southern men–good old boys, if you will–back into the party. These hard-working guys need to understand that the GOP has played them for fools by dividing Americans by race, when what really matters is class. A poor white guy has a hell of a lot more in common with a poor black guy than he does with a rich white guy, and the Democrats need to spread that message.

That’s what Dean was saying, people who attacked him on this damn well know it, and Dean blew it by issuing an apology. Let’s hope we’ve seen the last of this wussish behavior.

I’m pleased to report that ATTITUDE 2 will be heading off to the printers in a few days! This sequel to the hit anthology ATTITUDE: The New Subversive Political Cartoonists (still in print, so order now to prepare for ATTITUDE 2!), is due out in February 2004. As before, I interviewed 21 of America’s most interesting social commentary (and a few hard-hitting political) cartoonists, most of whom work in the alternative weeklies. Along with the interviews are tons of cartoons, childhood photos and other ephemera of these great artists. It’s a great sampler of the most important work going on in American cartooning–too hip for the mainstream press, yet not obscure like those boring “art comix” the critics are always yammering on and on about but don’t do anything for you when you actually splurge on them. Literate, intelligent, and most of all funny–this is an amazing book, at least according to the few famous cartoonist types who have been privileged to lay their eyes on the proofs.

Cartoonists featured in this 128-page book are:

Alison Bechdel – Dykes to Watch Out For

Jennifer Berman – Berman

Max Cannon – Red Meat

Barry Deutsch – Ampersand

Emily S. Flake – Lulu Eightball

Marian Henley – Maxine!

Justin Jones – Soda-Pong

Keith Knight – The K Chronicles

Tim Kreider – The Pain–When Will It End?

Aaron McGruder – Boondocks

Kevin Moore – In Contempt Comics

Stephen Notley – Bob the Angry Flower

Eric Orner – The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green

Greg Peters – Suspect Device

David Rees – Get Your War On

Mikhaela Blake Reid – The Boiling Point

Neil Swaab – Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles

Brian Sendelbach – Smell of Steve, Inc.

Tak Toyoshima – Secret Asian Man

Shannon Wheeler – Too Much Coffee Man

Jason Yungbluth – Deep Fried

There’s no ordering info available, but you can e-mail NBM through www.nbmpub.com

Difficult Choices, My Ass

The downing of the Chinook helicopter near Baghdad yesterday has pundits chattering about the “difficult choices” we face in Iraq and how we have to stick around until we’ve won. What these morons don’t get, however, is that this war was lost before it started. All those wait-and-see folks were idiots; there was never any chance that the U.S. would go in and not act like assholes, guarding the oil ministry and nothing else against looters was inevitable, of course the place was going to disintegrate into civil war and chaos. We didn’t have what it took to do differently, and the situation was bound to degenerate immediately upon our arrival. A brilliant commander-in-chief would have had a hard time taming post-Saddam Iraq; these guys were always too narrowminded, undereducated and arrogant to tame anything. This was always gonna suck, and it’s always gonna suck. Every day that passes kills more innocents, and for absolutely nothing–the United States will never, ever win the war in Iraq because it just doesn’t know how.

To Iraq and Back?

It looks like I’ll be heading off to Iraq in the not-too-distant future. Needless to say, the news that US troops are getting ambushed some 35 times a day all over the country doesn’t exactly make me feel like this is a good idea, but my curiosity about what’s really going on, how ordinary Iraqis are living their lives and what they think about life post-Saddam, is probably going to get the better of me.

I don’t have any assignments whatsoever; I may file my syndicated column from there, but that’s about it. Will there be a book? Possibly, possibly not–I really can’t say. I’ll ask some editors at sympatico newspapers and magazines if they’re interested in receiving anything from me, and we’ll see what, if anything, happens. This is really just to see what’s what.

I won’t be embedded or hanging out with US troops; I’ll be traveling independently and staying with locals as much as I can. I love the fact that there are few expectations…I’ll let you know more when I know it myself.