The Triumph of Faith-Based Politics
I believe in John McCain. Which is why I don’t believe him.
When John McCain said he wanted to stay in Iraq 100 years, he didn’t mean it. He just said it to get elected.
His claims that the war is going great? Voting time after time to send hundreds of billions of dollars to fund the war without asking for a timetable for withdrawal? All part of his masterful plan to fool right-wing hicks into voting for him.
Once he gets the keys to 1600 Penn, the real, antiwar McCain will reveal his true plan: Evacuation from Iraq within 24 hours. An apology to the United Nations. Bush put on trial for war crimes. Mandatory gay marriage.
He’s got a similar plan for FISA. True, he voted to allow the president to eavesdrop on Americans’ phone calls and e-mails. He gave the phone companies immunity for the years that they spied on us illegally. As soon as he becomes president, however, McCain will line up all those lying, spying phone company CEOs against the White House wall and personally shoot them with his trusty sidearm, the Beretta PX4.
And he will laugh.
John McCain cares deeply about the same exact things I do. When he takes the Oath of Office on January 20, for example, a certain political cartoonist–not Chief Justice Roberts–will administer it. Government subsidies will allow Americans to travel to Tashkent and other capitals in Central Asia for just $50. And the electronica band Ladytron will play the Inaugural Ball!
Wait a minute, I can hear you saying. John McCain hasn’t said any of this stuff. Know what? You’re right! In fact, he’s mostly said the exact opposite. Which is exactly why I know he’ll do it.
Politicians, you see, are liars. Except when they mostly do, they never follow through on their campaign promises. The more they say they’re for using federal tax dollars to fund faith-based church groups, for example, the more you know they’re actually dogmatic, God-hating secular atheists. Which is, by the way, another reason I believe in John McCain. Because John McCain promises a new kind of politics, one where Americans aren’t separated red state from blue state, cat owner from dog walker. One where soaring rhetoric isn’t just something we read about in books, but watch on TV from time to time.
Some of John’s fans (he feels so near and dear to me, I’m entitled to first-name familiarity) wonder if the old maverick they fell in love with is losing his moral center by lurching to the right. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Straight talk? Not until he wins! After that, look out. We’ll be out of NAFTA faster than you can say maquiladora. Socialized healthcare? You bet. Tax hikes for the rich, free Netflix for the poor, billions to rebuild New Orleans, free kitten and puppy neutering too!
Do I know this stuff? Or am I just making it up–indulging in a sort of faith-based politics?
Yes, and yes. I know what I make up in my own mind, and what I know is that John McCain is a patriot, a man whose unshakeable iron will remained unbroken even after his North Vietnamese captors tortured him into signing a confession for war crimes. I know that John McCain loves America, and that therefore anything he says or does that indicates otherwise–including, say, signing off on Bush’s continued use of torture at Guantánamo–can be nothing more than a necessary attempt to appease the right long enough for him to win the presidency, after which he will no doubt reveal himself to be the liberal, idealistic demigod he has to be because I and others like me have willed him to be so. Regardless of what he says.
Some poutymouths say I’m deluded. That I’ve once again fooled myself into believing a politician was something other than what he appeared to be, or indeed said he was, all along.
A little while ago, Barack Obama campaigned as a moderate and a moderate and a moderate. Then he came out as a centrist. Such betrayal!
In 2000, there was George W. Bush. People said he was stubborn and merciless, that he made fun of condemned prisoners as he signed their death warrants as governor of Texas. But I thought he did that just to win the votes of the Republican base. Deep down beneath that mean, dumb exterior, I just knew there had to be the soul of a scholar and the wisdom of a sage. Oh, well.
And in 1980, when Reagan ran as a militaristic, scary old coot, I thought it was just a put-on he was using to get elected so he could make college tuition free for me and my friends.
But that’s all in the past.
Forty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath the Senator’s snowy comb-over. It is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself.
I love John McCain.
COPYRIGHT 2008 TED RALL
24 Comments.
I think what you're trying to say is John S. McCain is the scariest presidential nominee we've ever had. Scary like the Martin Sheen character in The Dead Zone.
IF he gets elected, we'll all (yourself included) be nostalgic for the sane moderation of G.W. Bush. Mark my words.
In the meantime, Jesse Helms went in the ground today. Hurrah!
Things are going to change, I can feel it.
Are you a pet owner, Ted? According to a recent poll (I don't understand how these people get paid money for this crap), pet owners favor McCain by a whopping 5%….wow
I'm sure that was worth the natural resources expended to produce it.
I have a dog and a cat, myself, and am on the Obama presidential campaign here in Meeeeshigan.
"Do it to Julia! Not me!"
The last line sort of gave it away…
"SMITH!! YOU'RE NOT BENDING LOW ENOUGH!!!" Love, Julia
Second comment anonymous gets it, I think.
This is about Obama, or more accurately, his apologists. He's only doing this to get elected!
Ted, why did you give the game away? I was going to demonstrate my cleverness by complimenting you on finding a way to criticize Obama without freaking everyone out by criticizing Obama.
I guess I'll just have to demonstrate my cleverness by saying so after the fact. It's not the same, somehow.
Jana C.H.
Seattle
Saith WSG: It is easy in elegant diction to call it an innocent fiction, but it comes in the same category as telling a regular terrible story.
Have you ever seen 'Idiocracy,' Ted? Keep believing Michael Dukakis or Dennis Kucinich can win nationally in America, and keep being disappointed. The first step is deposing the current regime, of which McCain is firmly part of, the second is to treating the presidency as an elected monarch, as they are far less representative of anything than is Congress. Third is to establish the rule of law in this country.
But we can't even take the first step until the current ruling class is deposed. Say what you will about Obama, he isn't part of the party…which is why the establishment is so insidiously affecting even the supposed opposition into turning on him like a pack of wolves.
Again, to paraphrase another Barry (Goldwater that is), "Grow up….this is your party."
We can't take the first step until a new leader is sworn in, and then we need to make sure he does institute change.
This isn't about who is there, this is about what they do there…hasn't the last 8 years taught us anything?
Sorry, Jana. I'm so used to people not getting sarcasm that I decided to spell this one out.
Aggie, saw and own Idiocracy. Absolutely essential viewing. Look, I see your point: one step at a time. Obviously there's a difference between McCain and Obama. But it's up to smart Americans to stop Obama from erasing too many of those differences in order to get elected (which it won't help with anyway).
Should I vote for Chuck Baldwin?
Obama isn't part of the party? Isn't that just another refreshing HOPE! meme?
And yet the meme lives strong. Maybe even on the CNN news ticker. SEN. BARACK OBAMA – D-ILLINOIS. BUT LIKE ONLY PART "D". D-CURIOUS.
How, pray tell, did that process of winning over superdelegates not leave him beholden to any party interests just like any other goober? Just one of many instances where he had to do so…
I loved the last two sentences. 1984 was my favorite book as a youth (well, and now). I don't really care for Obama since he is almost, but not quite, as much of a blatant opportunist as Bill and Hillary. However, McCain would be much, much worse. It's the curse of the two party system. Vote for Cthulu, or vote for someone who merely sucks.
As far as I'm concerned, I'll have to wait 4 more years for some solid change. The problem with everything nowadays is a politization and polarization of everything. Including research (which I work in). We were talking about doing smoking research and as an independent person (who smokes) I argued the current data for both sides show nothing useful because their methods are determined by politics.
Another good example are the double expresso capuccino fellas who were worried about the wild wild west in Florida when they adopted their concealed carrying license. The bureau which the state of Florida set up proved without a single doubt that no crimes are commited by CCL owners. This led more states to pass CCL laws. The research was independent and real time.
The point is the whole American system is an amalgation of everything the forefathers hated. Including political parties! Its not about who's right, who's wrong, and what the truth is (like the criminal justice system used to be) its about who can be more political – ADA or Defense Attorney.
Political parties are a sham created by people who want to feel good, a sort of band wagon. It is nothing but a tomfoolery by the upper class.
I say abandon political parties, smash the political apparatus; only then can we have America as it used to be.
…
Whats the word I was looking for? I haven't used it in so long…
Oh yeah… sane.
I agree that this pandering probably won't help. Funny thing is that there is a double standard, in that it is perfectly acceptable for Repugs to change their position. After all, "conditions on the ground changed."
The neocon movement figured out that the American electorate operates on Gestalt, liberals seem to still be trying to explain themselves..and when they do they get nuanced, and nuance is easily twisted. In the grand scheme of things what is said now only matters to get elected, if Obama gets elected and pulls a GW Bush on us, he should be recalled and a new election should take place.
Of course we here in America can't do anything right. I just got my "stimulus check' yesterday….tax rebates as an economic fix, brilliant.
But after all, these are brilliant businessmen coming up with this!
Brilliant Juxtaposition! In this rate, the slogan might change to "Change, you can sorta think about" by November.
Ted, any comments on the NY Times climber and his agenda? Quite interesting, yet I fear he'll be silenced.
Btw, Bin laden is Arabic for Goldstein
Say what you will about Obama, he isn't part of the party…
Hmmmmm, I seem to remember a lot of liberals saying the same thing about John McCain back in 2000. I remember a lot of Democrats registering Republican in order to try and get McCain elected instead of Bush during the primaries. Yet today the "Maverick" on the "Straight-Talk Express" has shown his true colors… assuming he had true colors to begin with!
The 1984 "War is Peace" strategy works both domestically and abroad. We Democrats are at war with Bush, and we have always been at war with Bush — oh, wait, we are now at war with McCain.
Ted, I was about to call your column an excellent "Modest Proposal", I think it's right up there with Swift!
EVERYONE READ THIS NEXT LINE:
Congress is Conservative
This is because the people they represent are dumb and comfy. Only very hard economic knocks will improve that. And in that environment, even SCOTUS would be forced to fall in line, because as Hamilton points out, the Supreme Court is congress' bitch.
Tell me, how is Obama the man to get us to that environment?
Okay, I'll vote for Bob Barr then.
Is it just me??!!. In my humble opinion, there is no REAL difference whatsoever between Obama
and McCain. Both of them are owned
and controlled by big Money/Business and both of them will follow the same script. All the differences are theatrics and posturing to bullshit the mostly naive voters and give them the illusion that they have a choice and their vote will make a difference.
A bunch of small kids saved some money to go to a prostitute. They got enough to visit once. The woman was amazed at the intention of those kids. She took the money, lifted her skirt and exposed for a few seconds. Then she said that is all. The kids couldn't take such a meagerly service, protested. They wanted exactly what grown ups get for the money. The woman replied, "this is all sufficient for kids."
That is how the story told way back in home town across the globe.
So Obama would one day say 'this is all sufficient for you, liberals'. This happens to the left all the time. Left may have to grow more mature to demand equal service.
BTW, this column is an excellent piece. A cartoonistic. Is there any name for this kind of work – writing about imaginary scene to wake up the readers to reality.
I remember your column on a soccer player in Iraq becoming a "terrorist" story. I remember many of my friends agreed more with your story than your take on Tillman anywhere else.
Yes Ted! You are getting it! Huckabee,Huckabee,Huckabee!!!!! The Dummies were elected to impeach bush. Dude,why do you think the "O" man would get any rougher treatment if he turned. As he has already started to do. Check out the congress vote on wire tapping today. Both parties seem to be repukes. Vomiting up the same digested retorict. Angel is right how does anyone feel "O' man will lead us when he's already sold out?
Please, Ted, let us have our little illusions for a while longer. The truth will hit us in January anyway, so why not give us a few months of hope and optimism? After the last 7 years, we really need that.
Oh, now this is more like it! I apologize for calling you Andy McRooney; this brought tears to my eyes. Yay!