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July 5, 2007•

A Day In The Life
posted by TheDon

So I was driving my Prius ~~100 mph~~ down the highway, ~~smoking some weed~~ and I thought to myself, “godDAMN it! How am I going to get that dog poop off my back window?”. My dog doesn’t have the bodily-function control he used to, and gas stations no longer have hoses for customers like they did 20 years ago. But wait! They do have drive-thru car washes! So I pulled the straps on the dog carrier really tight and went for it. I remembered not to get the hot wax, but I paid for the extra drying time. It must really mess with Seamus’ head to have the wind whipping by, but the scenery is creeping by.

Anyhoo, I was in the car wash, and Seamus finally stopped panicking so I could hear the radio. Tony Snow was giving another Master’s Class on dissembling, and excused W’s disregard for regulations requiring that the DOJ and USA be consulted on pardons with this gem – “It’s not like people’s memories are fuzzy about the details or the circumstances.” I know my hearing ~~has been sacrificed to the Oxycontin~~ isn’t what it used to be, but I was sure I had mis-heard him. Not fuzzy? On details or circumstances? EXECUTIVE branch employees? In THIS administration?

I hit speed-dial #3 and alerted Markos that he should order Nancy Pelosi to start some hearings, and start them fast. If there is actually someone in the executive branch with a working memory, get them up the hill NOW, before they catch whatever memory-eating virus is infecting those poor bastards. This is big. Then I ~~popped another Xanax~~ put it in gear and got back on the highway, content that our takeover of the legislative process is almost complete.

July 3, 2007•

Ted Rall

All The President’s Mendacity
posted by TheDon
Dear Carl Bernstein,

I saw you on MSNBC this morning, talking about the Cheney administration in general, and the latest obstruction of justice in particular – the pardon of his former aide, Lewis Libby. You were angry, with good reason, at what you repeatedly called the mendacity of the current administration. You reminded me that you used to be a very good reporter, with the courage to take on a sitting administration, risking your life and liberty.

I can only assume that years of watching your former partner become a wealthy superstar socialite tempted you into cashing in on the right-wing screed industry. Being on the NYT Bestsellers List is heady stuff, and I’m sure it makes up for the years of being out of the spotlight. It probably doesn’t even matter to you that you just added one more volume to the library of hit-jobs on Hillary Clinton, but you must have some memory of being an honorable journalist, doing important work.

I’ve already come up with the title of your new book (hint: it’s the title of this post), and the contents should be self-explanatory. I suggest breaking W’s life into segments and focusing on the major lies, otherwise the book could get longer than The Decider’s face when the White House kitchen runs out of peanut butter. You might have one section for birth until the presidential campaign, you’ll need at least one chapter (maybe two) for the campaign itself, another one for the presidency before 9/11, etc. You’ll probably have to break up the war lies into several chapters. I would suggest one on the lies during the buildup, one for the lies about “progress” and “strategy”, and a separate chapter for the lies about the original lies, and the coverups.

The lies are well documented, and all you have to do is organize them (which I’ve started for you), and write interestingly about them – which is your profession, after all. This should be a big seller, and it could have almost endless chapters added in subsequent releases. You could even turn it into a PBS series, with each of the administration officials getting their own night. Call Ken Burns and see what his schedule is like.

No need to thank me, just get moving on this. You have a reputation to recapture.